Life now...

Miracles do happen.

2011-04-29T11:05:00.003+08:00

Right now, I'm just praying for one more. Yes, I'm endlessly greedy, but I swear this is so so so important. Please forgive me.

Yes, so I thought I should share happy thoughts on my very emo blog for once. Like getting into NTU Art, Design and Media. WOOOOOOOOOTS. *throws confetti for myself because I'm well, forever alone. ._.* Haha actually no, thanks all who congratulated me and gave me an ego boost. Kekeke. As you can probably tell, I'm so happy I'm actually kind of incoherent. (Oh please, Jocelyn, you were never coherent before. Not even once.)

And I really am hoping they'll at least give me a chance at an interview for the scholarship. :S PLEASE. Because no matter what I've got to come up with money for school fees and money to buy computer and tablet and whatever the school wants me to buy. D: Study loan's an option too, but thinking about repaying the loan after I graduate...I'm extremely turned off. Though I'll have to resort to that if I really can't get any scholarship. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. D: D: D:

I AM DESPERATE. D:

I should just continue working as I study, at least I'll be spending my own money. The fact that we just cleared our housing loan after 15 years (and kind of got forced to repay by selling my mum's Singtel shares since her CPF ran out of money) made me realise that it's honestly bloody expensive to be living in Singapore. Okay, that's kind of besides the point, but yes, I'm in need of money. My family does, actually. Since now we owe my cousin $1k for repaying the remaining housing loan for us. Yes, what the heck, even after selling shares we still didn't have enough. That's why I'm hesitant to take money from my parents from now on.

Pointless rant here, just ignore.

Ugh. Still worried about scholarship and well, money. Roar. Solutions, anyone?

Untitled.

2011-04-13T11:14:00.003+08:00

All right, this post is...Untitled. You could call it updates, I guess, but I don't even know who I'm updating besides myself, since I don't think anyone else reads this blog, which honestly suits me just fine. I'm a loner like that.

Well, it's been a pretty mundane two months since my last post, except for SS3 Malaysia, but let's leave the fangirl-ing for probably, another blog or account. Actually, since then, much has happened; 'A' level results, university application, dance, SS3, but as usual, being the lazy ass I am, can't be bothered to do much.

So. Results. I would say I'm pleasantly surprised, since I honestly did not expect such scores. Don't tell me I'm bullshitting when Prelims results pointed to a possible fail (come on, DUDED; I never, NEVER, even got a C.) and well, it was all pretty good...until I see people around me getting AAAB or AAAA. Which somehow tells me my AABB isn't actually a very good score (and so, my cousin says), which made me kind of depressed for a while. BUT, considering how much I actually studied for it, I'll probably have to thank God for the miracle He bestowed on me, because it's pretty much an impossible feat. LOOK AT MY ECONS, IT WENT FROM A U TO A A. I don't even know; I was pretty close to tears when I saw my score. Well, I was pretty upset about Chemistry since it was my favourite subject. But really, I ought to be thankful for being able to achieve so much when I studied so little. Must be some kind of a...miracle. Yes.

Now, I'm waiting for University Application results with bated breath, because I really, really want to get in. WITH A SCHOLARSHIP. Okay, honestly speaking, my results, a scholarship, what? I know, right. Hopefully, they'll look past that and decide I probably have some kind of leadership qualities they might want. I shudder at the thought of that, because that would mean some kind of leadership position and well...I don't think I'm up for it. Well, let's just see what happens.

Moving on to less academic-related stuff, we got into finals for InMySeoul! I don't know, but this is all pretty exciting for a noob who started out dancing around...a year ago? Well, we got in with our sing and dance performance of Shy Boy, and we'll be performing Shady Girl this coming Saturday. I'm going to just sit here and hope with all my might that my voice doesn't crack or something. GO SGK! :D

All right, I'm getting a little tired. Shall be off to do other things. Till the next time I'm back! Tata!

Just when I thought I'm fine, I realise I'll never be.

2011-02-17T23:10:00.002+08:00

When will I stop feeling the way I do? It's been so long, yet the scars remain fresh and raw, as though they were made yesterday. And they hurt, still. I swear, they're killing me, slowly but surely.

It hurts so much that I can't even remember the life I've had before these things happened. They made me stronger, but at the same time, I became more vulnerable. Peoples' expectations became my own. Fuck whoever said 'be yourself' and 'people love you the way you are'.

I'm so tired of putting up a strong front, for acting like I know what I'm doing when I honestly don't, for having to hold up a mask of perfection and confidence. I should have know, I was never good enough for this.

CNY!

2011-02-06T23:04:00.002+08:00

Wow, my last post was approximately 1 month ago and that's...pretty long. What have I been doing with my life, my goodness. Much has happened over the last month or so, most exciting being SS3! I'm not in the mood for writing right now, because I'm busy fretting over admission requirements for NTU ADM. Please let me do well enough to get a scholarship (though that's highly unlikely, but I can hope, can't I?)!

Results will be released on the 4th of March, if information is right. That's 3 weeks away. DAMN. Which means application is likely to follow soon after and I've got to finish up my portfolio and stuff before that. Instruction on their page is a little vague; am I supposed to submit a physical portfolio accompanied by a CD with all the materials or just the CD? I'm assuming it's the former, since they said copies of works are to be submitted. Oh well, being the kiasu Singaporean I am, I shall prepare both. It's going to be pretty uh...tedious? I've managed to sort out some works to submit, but I've yet to write down stuff about them. Then there's personal statement, which in a mere 300 words essay I have to cover so many points, including 3 indivduals who have inspired me. Excuse me, but excluding the reasons why I want to join ADM and why should ADM accept me, I have approximately 60 words for each individual. Then there's creative writing/film, for which the second option is entirely not viable since I'm a sucker at multimedia stuff. So all I can say is, beware my powderful Engrish.

Then there's the 3 drawings which I'm pretty excited about, but I'm worried, because I'm the kind of person who'll take eons to do something and chuck it away in the end. It's the same logic behind why I feel like I want to throw every single piece of my artwork into the bin. A little warped, I know, but that's the way it is, and if I don't start NOW, literally, I'm 100% sure I'll still be working on it the day before the submission deadline. (Even if I say so, I'm pretty sure I won't start work until 1 week later.) Whole lot of excuses like, I need more practice on observational drawing before I do the actual one, need some time to find inspiration for the designs and comic strip, etc. My life is full of fail, I'm serious. Why can't I churn out creative juices, or even better, be oozing them out.

So this post has turned entirely into a rant about university application which should have either occurred earlier, or turned up later. Go figure, my brain works in a way even I don't get.

Maybe it's time I go organise my portfolio and never touch it again until submission day.

New year! :D

2011-01-09T23:18:00.002+08:00

I know, lagging much? Haha, but I've been really busy with stuff. Like, dancing, Chingay, work. Ended up not having much of a celebration for new year; how exciting can playing mahjong be?

I know I'm supposed to sit down and come up with resolutions for this year, but I'm almost sure that they'll be ones I failed to achieve last year. Like my training to do a split. Gosh. I should just forget about it. Maybe I'll do it when I get really bored, which probably will never happen because I'm too occupied to even blog.

Today was an awesome day, which is the main reason why I'm actually blogging instead of sleeping, even though I'm really, really tired. Filmed our dance covers for the Super Junior dance competition organised by F&N today. Although I think we're a little 'chui' from all the dancing over the whole of last week, I think it'll turn out great. :D Thanks to everyone who helped us with our flash mob, by dancing/filming/playing music/supporting! I've got to say doing flash mob is pretty exhilarating! And we're really thankful to the street performer who actually lent us his speakers because ours was too soft. XD

We've got one more song to complete! Go go go! Aiik! :D :D :D

I'm too tired to think actually. Good night everyone. :)

Work.

2010-12-27T07:13:00.002+08:00

Guess what? I'm up this early in the morning because I'm going for work! :D Okay, which is pretty retarded because I only have to work for 4 days before I have a break until the 10th next year. Okay, in any case, it's still better than no work and no money. (Problem is, I don't even know how much's the pay. :S) Honestly, stop telling me it's for the experience, because no, I am not interested in keying data or whatsoever in the future. I'm there for the money, as simple as that. I'll admit, I'm materialistic like that.

As usual, had no incentive to blog or whatsoever, busy with dance and helping out with designs and stuff. Hopefully I can clear some of these things by this week so I can have a relaxed new year celebrations.

First time in Orchard for Christmas! :D Actually it wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be, but I'm sure New Year countdown will be much better. :D

All right, shall set off for work soon. :D

Alive.

2010-12-17T02:04:00.003+08:00

I guess I got a little too caught up with enjoying my holidays, I haven't blogged in ages. So it's well, 15 days after A levels ended, and no, I am not keeping count, just that it dawned on me as I caught a glimpse of my computer clock. I must say life has been pretty happening, for me, at least. Actually, it was pretty much just dancing, dancing and dancing. Not as though I'm absurdly good or anything, but I always feel this sense of satisfaction as I'm learning new steps and perfecting them. I bet I sound all kinds of corny right now; what has being away from writing for a week done to me? D:

I'm really thankful to those who participated in the No Other dance project. (: I must say we did a pretty good job, considering most of us don't have any dance background, and well, we survived. (: Now, I've got to worry about the editing. It's been years since I've touched any video editing software, and although I have trust in my own capabilities, the problem lies in getting the program. I shall attempt the trial version of Ulead Video Studio tomorrow, though the last time I used it was in, what, primary school? Too bad I don't have a Mac, because iMovie was pretty user friendly.

Honestly, besides dancing, aimless wandering, making lousy drawings, and reading in dribs and drabs, I haven't exactly done much. Oh, and I totally forgot fangirl-ing, which is going on almost every single moment I'm online or something like that. It feels kind of surreal; it's like, every day is Saturday. All kinds of awesome though, so I'm not complaining. (:

I'm fed up with my own lack of digital art skills, which resulted in me trying to use the stupidest way to attempt to convert a sketch into a computer graphic. For the record, I haven't used a computer to create any form of graphic since..Sec 2? Even then, I didn't even complete my logo before I quit. And after I've fiddled with the pen tool for almost 3 hours, I chucked the whole project away because it was too hideous. As much as I think the sketch already looks ugly and out of proportion, it looks a hell lot better than the ugly fixed lines on the computer. And since I managed to keep the sketch page surprisingly clean this time, save for a few lines and marks. And for once, I don't have to tear out the pages following it just because of my pencil marks getting engraved in them. Or maybe it's just because I haven't coloured it. Which poses a big problem because I am just that bad at colouring.

Enough of ranting about horrendous drawings. I'm actually pretty happy because I received my Kyochon calendar and Oppaya stuff. The amount of Sungmin is gratifying, I swear. (That's the main reason I bothered getting Kychon calendar, because there were lots of pictures of Sungmin, surprisingly. XD) Now, I'm worrying about how to get that adorable cushion from Fall in Min. Wish me luck. :S Cheap sources for fan goods don't come easy. D:

All right, I'm suffering the repercussions of staring at the puny netbook screen for 4 hours trying draw something which eventually failed; I think I'm becoming a little cross eyed here. I'm full of fail, I know.

To sidetrack a little, I ended up not going for STGCC. Which is pretty retarded considering how much I raved about it, but well, all 3 days were spent dancing and dinner dates which left no time for me to rush down to have a look. But I'm not too upset about it, since I get to save $10 on entrance fee (which isn't helpful since dinners over these few days were expensive.).

Getting extremely tired, after sitting in front of the computer the entire day..reading fanfics. Haha, holidays are absolutely awesome.

All right, shall go read Get Backers and sleep early. (:

Things to do.

2010-11-30T00:48:00.002+08:00

It's been a while after uh, Econs paper. Well, there's one more Bio MCQ to go, but well, I'm in holiday mood. (: Or should I say I've been in holiday mood since Econs ended. It's time to organise things I want to do over these long 8 months, which I somehow predict will pass pretty fast. Right.

1. Gym! :D Been going on alternate days with Li Ying and Kah Hsing, and yes, it feels awesome to be moving again. Sedentary lifestyle during exam period was gross to the max. Just got to keep up this schedule (at least until prom.).

2. Draw. Or at least attempt to. Well, tried to do it once every day, but it's failing. I shall just increase the times I actually touch and open and attempt to draw something in my sketchbook.

3. Dance. Stiff joints and muscles make for awkward movements. I'm feeling extremely sad all right. Oh, but I don't have the money. Damn.

4. Work. Duh, that's where the money's gonna come from. To fund dance lessons, Japanese and Korean lessons (I shall just self-learn, grr), overseas trip (if I actually earn enough to go for one), fangirling. Which reminds me, I'm still in debt for SS3 tickets.

5. Japanese/Korean lessons. I might go for either one, but I don't think I'll do both. MONEY. Maybe I'll continue learning Japanese at home, with all my notes and stuff from Sec 1 and 2. Great.

6. Read! I've got so many books and comics I want to read and reread. Like, my Get Backers series has been sitting there in my cupboard for such a long while and I haven't even touched it yet.

7. TV! Okay, maybe not TV shows, but drama, videos and all the shows I've laid off since I don't know when. The Japanese drama boxes are gathering dust in my cupboard. Shall haunt my mum to get back her Korean drama box sets from my aunts after she's back from Taiwan.

8. Spring Cleaning! I'm proud to say I've managed to spring clean my room over the past two days. Including all my stuff in the other rooms. Well, I would say it's a GNP approach. Gosh, Econs is getting to me, I'm starting to miss it, huh.

I'll probably settle all the notes in the living room after Bio. Anyone wants them?

9. Gifts! :D

10. Prom preparations. I'm pretty much settled, because after I've coerced my dad into buying me a set of eye shadow yesterday, and spring cleaning my cupboard, I have a full set of makeup, short of blusher and concealer. Which is a pretty mean feat, considering I don't normally put on makeup unless I'm going town or something like that. Well. I'll have to think about borrowing that from my cousin, but chances are, she's going to criticize how horrible my makeup skills are behind my back, like she always does. I shall ask my mum to get it from Taiwan, if she ever calls back.

My knee-high socks look damn awesome. Took me so long to find it. Fine, I sound like a bimbo, but I'm honestly glad to have found it. After M)phosis cheated my feelings, it took my two days before I found it. Woots.

Accessories-wise, I've managed to get them off FashionJewlleryTV, which is epic efficient. And cheap. $11.50 for necklace and earrings is a steal! (Sidetrack: I should totally take a photo of how I've organised my necklaces. I look like I'm selling them, with them pinned up on the noticeboard on my wall.)

Problem is, how am I going to do the damn makeup on my own? Ugh.

11. Guitar. Only after prom, because I still want long, even nails.

12. Shopping! I've been doing much of this lately, just...I've got no money to spend. My eyes are set on this white blouse at Bugis Street, but it's $18 and I'm still broke. Well, let's see what my mum comes home with from Taiwan before I decide anything.

13. STGCC! 10 - 12 December. (?) Can't believe I almost forgot about mentioning this. I'm pretty excited, because I think it's going to feel more relevant to me than AFA. The guests are pretty cool! There's the designer of TokiDoki, if I'm not wrong. I feel like attending, but I've got no questions to ask. Gosh, how lousy can I get? But well, still cool to know.

14. SS3! 29 January. Okay, it's pretty far from now (maybe not, it's a mere 2 months). But there's always the preparations and stuff. And we need to think of how we're going to queue. My gosh, the perils of mosh pit. Good luck to us!

15. LaSalle. Open House: 14 - 15 January. All I've got to do is attend, but I'm afraid I might actually forget it. Great.

I realise all the stuff I've gotten down are pretty vague. Well, can't help it if half of them require money and I've got none. Books and shows-wise, I've got a lot to catch up on and I'm very sure the list will be non exhaustive.

So I've managed to start on each item a little (for those I can actually start on) and it feels great to be doing all these. (:

I realise I might have to do laundry, since I just washed the clothes. Damn. Okay good night!

Overnight.

2010-11-20T23:39:00.002+08:00

Guess what, we got our SS3 tickets! :D Mosh pits, meaning we'll have to camp there once again, but damn, WE GOT OUR TICKETS! After queuing for 16 hours, cramped up barricades surrounded by sleeping people, we got our damn tickets. And we were like, 101 and 102 in the queue. Awesome. I'm still groggy even after crashing out for 6 hours after reaching home, hence the incoherence. I think I'm getting too old for this overnight queuing thing, especially the part about staying up the entire night.

Talking and laughing too much with Kah Hsing throughout the night made my mouth sore with all the cuts from braces and my throat is epic gone case. Ugh.

Honestly, I can't decide whether I'll be glad or not if they manage to get another show. I won't be because I'm a selfish pig and you need to give some credit to people (like us) who queued so long for it. Or maybe I'm just jealous, haha. But I would be, because that would put the black market out of operation at least until the next show sells out as well. Damn these people.

Okay, my throat sounds like crap and my head hurts. I'm really getting old, you see. Shall go sleep soon.

Hypocrite.

2010-11-18T23:31:00.003+08:00

I suppose not practising what I preach makes me one. I make so much sense; when I give advice, when I console or practically every time except when I'm dealing with my own life. I don't know how I can manage this. I know all the right answers, the right reactions, the right way to approach and face things. The problem is not being able to execute it myself. It's not that I don't want to, but irrationality overcomes my sensibility every single time, such that I let my heart take over instead of using my head. Maybe that's why I'm weak mentally and emotionally, because I let it take a back seat most of the time.

I think I can safely admit to being one of those socially inapt teenagers who'd rather spend their time on the computer at home every day than interacting with people in real life. I'm talking to the same people as the ones I talk to face-to-face, but being online makes me feel more secure and more 'in control' of my own thoughts. I get some time to think through what I'm actually saying, well, more than I do in real life at least. I can't stand the idea of unintentionally (or intentionally) hurting others through my words, offline, at least, when I can see peoples' face and their reactions which I am pretty confident of picking up on.

That's a pretty huge problem to me, always wanting to read into other people and hoping other people can read me just as well. I don't even know what's going on in this psycho brain of mine, because I'm not sure whether I'm happier when people fail to read me or when they get surprisingly close to what I'm feeling without me saying it. I am that ironic. I guess I revel in the fact that I hold up my mask better than I would have wished I could (oh, sense the irony in this sentence itself) but that's the truth. I guess I'm masochistic?

Back to being hypocritical, I think I am one very hypocritical person. I know it. I try not to be, but I end up being one anyway. Actually that says a lot; like, am I even trying? I just let myself run on autopilot, thoughts raging and emotions flowing, until I'm not even sure I know who I am. I think I'm so reliant on this persona of mine, that I refuse to let my rational mind take over to do some sort of damage control before I harm myself or others further. I think I pretty much sound like a nutcase worthy of a trip to the psychiatrist again but that's what's in my head bulk of the time. When I am actually thinking, that is. Which makes me doubly guilty because the thinking only kicks in when things happen and the damage is already done. There's no backspace in real life, as cliched as it sounds.

And see, that is totally what I mean when I say I make so much sense, I scare myself. I know what's wrong with me and I know all the ways to set it right. I just have to throw in a bit more control than I would have cared normally and things would be closer to perfection, actually, no, just better than how it would have turned out. I hate myself so much when I throw out my rage at people for no particular reason, only to feel guilty after that. I could have just stopped myself from the negative feelings but like I keep saying, rational has no place in my mind, or my heart, because I'm never thinking when I do this kind of shit to other people who do not deserve it.

I really like these talks with myself, because I get to realise how I'm actually intellectually capable of having a mind of my own despite what my brain tells me when I try studying but nothing gets in. Yet, it's more of a love-hate relationship because I beat myself up for all the crap I do without thinking. Yes, reflection time is a time for me to go through a serious debate about whether I'm a quirky genius or a downright nutcase, and I'm getting vibes that I'm closer to the latter, because I'm nowhere near being a genius, considering how much I fail at controlling my own life.

I'm starting to like posting these thoughts here, because I like how I get to laugh at myself when I read the bullshit I write. The ridiculous rants, the language. Oh, the language. How I'd love to be able to write like people out there but my English fails me, all the time. Not like my Chinese is redeeming in any way. So I'm stuck with laughing and shaking my head when I actually go through my posts, at how crazy I sound and how ineloquent I am. Who knows why I do it any way, when I already know how I'll only manage to feel like I want to delete everything off this blog because it is so ridiculous and I am so ridiculous.

I think I like sharing on this blog, because I feel like I'm talking to no one, only to myself. I like the feeling of exposing these raw bits of emotions and feelings I don't get to show in real life. Because people don't care for them much and it's not like I want to feel naked in front of a crowd in any case they do. I'm sure the former still stands, because I know how selfish I am because I can't be bothered to give a damn about other people as well. But it may be just me, cold and unfeeling. Though I don't recall everyone around me being balls of sunshine every day. So well, I take blogging as a way of talking to myself, because I'm the one who cares the most about myself and I enjoy pretending there's actually someone who does care and reads all my posts and formulates a reply when all of it is just well, me and my imagination, which is pretty wild in a wrong way. Because it's not like being schizophrenic can make me more creative or artistic in any way.

I don't know if I like it when people read my posts. I think this is the first time I'm being so truthful about myself and my thoughts. Not literally the first time, but posts lately have turned deeper (to me at least) and show more of who I am instead of the perfect little cheery and morally upright angel I like people to see me as. Not that I'm not, just not always. I'll say outright, that I never know what people think of me. I can guess all I want, from their expressions, their body language, their speech, but they're all speculations. Fine, I'm being a self-centred bimbo going 'oh, what do you think of me?', but I'm really curious. Am I the only one? Is it just because I'm living in a society where people like speaking vaguely and going around in circles just because we can't bring ourselves to tell people what we admire them for and what faults they have? That's the vibe I keep getting, not like it's an extremely bad thing, because I know we're just scared of hurting others along the way. Or that's how I prefer to think it is.

I think I sidetrack like nobody's business. So back to whether I like it when people read what I'm writing. I imagine there'll be people who do and I am frankly surprised how much rubbish you put up with, and that's a compliment, because I don't think I can put up with half the crap I sprout. That being said, I think I like it because well, it changes my mindset that people don't care. Haha okay fuck being politically correct or subtle or humble at the very least, it changes my mindset that people don't care about me and well, it boosts my ego. So why not, right? But then again, I'm pretty much embarrassed by myself and my craziness that I dread anyone reading this and knowing me better. Actually, I don't know if people do end up knowing me better, or just getting more confused, when I don't show the same openness in real life. It says a whole lot about how much of a hermit or a loner I am, doesn't it? I'm not comfortable showing myself to others in real life but I'm totally fine exposing it to the public online. FML.

I can just start to imagine how long this post, or shit, is going to look on my blog. Glorious, glorious wall of text. I imagine no one reading it, anyway. At least that's what I do when I type so I don't get all awkward about how I'm revealing too much. But don't be discouraged from leaving a tag, because I still like my ego stroked, to know that yes, people care for me enough to know me, or just curious, or just plain bored. Bored enough to endure through long posts that bore even myself. But like I said, I appreciate it. Though I won't be as thick-skinned as to have glaring Windows popup messages that goes 'Welcome to my blog! Please please please leave a tag! I love you! *muacks*' because I know just how annoying it is, I'm still welcome to all comments, anonymous or not, positive or not. All in all, I guess I'm still the attention whore I am, deal with it.

No, I'm not on alcohol, if that's what you're thinking just cause I'm spilling much more than I usually let on. Though I'm pretty sure coffee at night does almost the same to me, because that would totally explain why I'm bitching so much here tonight.

On to more normal...stuff, I'm getting really excited about SS3 ticket sales tomorrow and I'm praying I won't have to bulldoze through hundreds of xiao mei meis. As much as I'm picking up the habit of cursing endlessly online or even at home, where I'm alone in my room and I spew vulgarities like nobody's business (for one, it actually isn't because I'm only cursing at the computer over something totally awesome or at myself for being the idiot I like to be) I really do not enjoy hearing people curse in my face.

All right, that sounded more 'me' than the whole wall of text thing above it. Pretty much sums up my day, so I'll be off to continue reading. No, not Econs, duh. When have I ever read Econs in this past month? Insensitive people should just shut the fuck up because they don't know how screwed some people (i.e. me) are and we don't exactly want to hear about that measly one mark you lost. Period. Oh and like, how you didn't get to finish a chapter because for fuck's sake, I didn't even start on one. I know, I have only myself to blame and I shouldn't take it out on other people who are genuinely afraid because their entire future depends on this exam. But that was pretty much directed to people who don't even think before saying these things. I think I'm just upset and maybe jealous (haha I hate to admit but maybe Adelbert is right, though I'm jealous about how people have the will and motivation to struggle through while I succumb to the temptations of doing nothing). But I can say this with a clear conscience, that I am not jealous of people who get good results, because I know they deserve it and I admire them for being the strong individuals they are. Like Qian Wen (IDK, just every time I think of this, I'll think of her) and I think she deserves the best scores because she works so hard for them.

I feel like I've got so much more to say but I'm really conscious about how much of a turn off this will look on my blog so I seriously should stop.

And I really love myself, despite the self-hate and self-abuse I enjoy inflicting on myself, not physically, duh, but mentally. Don't let what I type convince you otherwise. Like I said, I like the debate process. Okay, stopping before I start raving again.

Jealous.

2010-11-15T23:27:00.003+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me tonight, but just..once I start I find it extremely hard to stop. But yes, as the title states and maybe people know or don't know, I'm a person' who's easily jealous. (No, no the kind who'll blow up if my idol has a girlfriend who's hot as hell and I go 'damn, she's so ugly'. No, just..no.) I'll be happy to admit and admire peoples' talents and skills and looks and whatever they've got to offer, because I think the world is a wonderful place to have so many different people and it amazes me, even. And frankly, I'm not jealous of the things I know that is out of my reach (like the idol example, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.') but I get green-eyed over things I know I can try to do but I know I won't ever be able to do it better. Kiasu? Maybe. Actually, definitely.

No one's flawless, I get it, but you've got to admit there are people closer to it than anyone else. Sucks to have them close by so that you can get compared and judged almost every other second of your life. Maybe that's a little overboard, but I think that's pretty much what gets me most of the time. Like how people are infinitely good when I am such a..okay, I need to stop coming online so often, because all I can use to describe myself is 'bitch'. Oh, my life.

Oh yea, and it's not like I'll ever have something to hate about these people. Because they're so close to perfection I can't even find fault with them. Exaggerating, but well, maybe then again these 'faults' may seem too insignificant to me as compared to the greatness of their being. Okay, damn it, I'm being incoherent again.

Main point is, I hate myself for being so jealous of others. I really don't hate them, come on I've got more sense than that. But I'm pretty much hating myself for having these thoughts.

Okay whatever is wrong with me today. It's like some...I don't know, confessions? Okay whatever, maybe it's just an explosion of emotions because I've had enough of people assuming me to be the person they see on the outside (I don't even know what good they see in me) and being all surprised when I'm not what they presumed to be. Oh well, I think I only have myself to blame, for crafting such an intricate and flawless mask that portrays me to be a kind and all-loving person when I'm filled with such bitterness. Oh, the irony.

Actually, I think being a Gemini contributes to that as well. I'm even confused by myself, sometimes. Maybe that's my answer to Wai Yee, when she said I'm hard to read. I guess I do try to make myself hard to read and get all upset when people read me wrongly. Haha, why is my brain so screwed up?

Stuff.

2010-11-15T22:48:00.003+08:00

Netball. Have been thinking about it lately. Contemplating actually. I miss playing it, of course. But I don't know whether I still want to play competitively. Blaze. I don't know, really.

On to next topic.

You're one person I share my honest thoughts with. Really, we aren't even very close, not even close actually, but well, your sincerity chews on my guilt apparently. And, I thought you would understand me, but that advice was..uncalled for. I hate it when people give me advice when I didn't ask for it. Explicitly. And I know, even if I did, I already have my own answer. I also know, I'm being over sensitive when you're just trying to tell me that you care.

I've got to learn to stop assuming people know what I'm thinking. It's becoming an extremely bad habit.

And I should stop being so sensitive. I read into people a lot, I admit. For my own insecurities, fears and maybe even pride, I read into peoples' words, actions, expressions so much, I think I'm a little over sensitive to these things. And when people don't do the same, to try and understand me a bit more by what I'm trying to tell, I get pretty upset. Which, I admit, is unreasonable.

How more flawed can I get? Tell me, how am I going to get a boyfriend/husband who'll tolerate this mess that's me? ROFL, just a thought. That's probably why I don't understand how men who marry into my family tolerate all of us bitches who blow up at no particular reason. Even I can't tolerate us sometimes, I don't know how they do it. I seriously respect my dad and my cousin.

I think this whole post can just be summed up to 'Damn, I'm too tired and busy being incoherent at the moment'. Gym was tiring. I'm losing my stamina, strength and everything but weight.

All right, I think I should sleep early. Morning paper tomorrow.

I'm thinking A levels is actually going by very fast, which is an extremely gratifying news for me, because I just can't wait for it to be over, just like the rest of the world doing the same boring papers as me. I don't know about people, but I don't even really care about the days in between to study, because all I want is for it to be over. Period. Not like I'm expecting to do extremely well if I had the luxury of more days to study, gosh, no. Never. So whatever crap I was lamenting about how I want it to come later and bullshit, just ignore it. Because this is the truth.

IDGAF. I think too many things have happened to make me want to. Actually, it's not like even if I did, it would have been much better. Don't try to convince me otherwise, because I'll just get pissed with you, like how I've gotten pissed over people who tell me to not think of giving up/go study or some encouraging shit you think I'll listen to. I appreciate you caring for me, letting me know in a subtle way that 'you're being such an dumbass for thinking it doesn't matter when it freaking does and you better get your ass moving before you regret it. Don't say I didn't warn you'. Well I get the message, but nope, I'm stubborn as hell and I was just trying to be honest with you.

I think people would think I'm just in an angsty mood and just having teenage problems. And adults will be APPALLED by me thinking it's fine even if I don't do well. Well, suck it up. Because yes, I am angsty and I'm probably doing this out of spite and I might even regret it later like all you irritating people said and will go 'I told you so', and yes, I still live under the impression I WILL do fine. I'm ridiculous, I know, and I don't care if you want to judge me that way, because I've had enough of being good for other peoples' sake.

Stop fucking trying to guilt trip me into doing things I hate, and judging me for even trying. That goes out to so so so many people out there, from the past, from the present.

I should end this rant before I go out of hand, out of control, or out of my mind, for that matter.

Whoever's actually reading, stop reading and go study, unless you have the same state of mind as me.

I can just imagine the amount of lecturing and bullshit I'll get if my parents actually catch wind of this. *Snorts* Not like they ever will, anyway.

Pointless rant is pointless. It's pretty much meant for me to mock at how much of a fail I am at being a social norm and how brainless I can be.

Murderous.

2010-11-13T11:25:00.000+08:00

Is it too early to think of getting your own apartment by 20?

我要的。

2010-11-11T23:15:00.002+08:00

太久没打中文了，有点生疏，真糟糕。总觉得我的中文退步了，在学校少用，在家又不常说话，现在用起来还是有点别扭。

最近把整个人封闭起来；很少和别人对话，独来独往。不觉得是什么坏事，但是需要和别人沟通时有种莫名的距离感，有点不适应吧。

考试进行第四天。其实没什么感触，因为我真的不想管了。很矛盾对吧，我也这么觉得。

我一直说我不管成绩，不管自己考得好不好，可是总是放不下。我知道这不是我要的，我根本没有想考好的欲望，因为对我来说，有其他更有趣的事去做。年少轻狂，要这么说也行，但我就是这样。没有责任感，没有上进心。我没什么好辩解的，因为我说的都是借口。不专心的借口，考不好的借口，不反省的借口。

来回顾这几年吧。

我累了。我常用这个字，但是真的，可能是从中四开始就真的累了。好孩子也只能当到一种程度。或者是我发现了，一山还有一山高，不管我怎么往上爬，死命地挣扎，终究有别人轻而易举就的能办到我所办不到的。就算我有怕输的心态，就算我拼了命去抓住那一线希望，我知道我还是比不上。可能是这种压力，逼得我想逃避，不想面对失败的自己。对不起，让大家失望了。心被人狠狠划了几刀，到现在还不能平复。很弱吧。但我就是喜欢把事情放在心上，有时想起了，自己在伤疤上又划几刀。真的很想忘了，但是忘不了。

中四的考试成绩让我感到意外，还好中文拉了我一把。MSG1.0 的确让我骄傲。哈哈，但好景不长在，看我现在的成绩，和别人说我以前的成绩还真丢脸。小时了了大未必佳，指的是我吧。

升上初院时，坦白说，我抱着很多期望。太多不好的回忆，只想忘掉，重新来过。只是读着读着，总觉得这不是我想要的。在中三，原本有机会读美术，但最终因为太忙，不得不放弃。（其实我知道我行的，但是懒惰去尝试。打球，理事会，课业；我不想当超人，或者说我不想当个更忙的超人。）上了初院，虽然想读，但心有余而力不足；中学都没读过，还想面试？Portfolio没有，基础更别说，最终打消了念头。直到真正发现我想做什么的时候，总觉得太迟了。6月，没心准备考试，知道别人正往自己的梦想努力，自己却在不同的道路上，让我消沉。母亲的反对，还有神经质，逼得我喘不过气。可能是从那时开始吧，更少和家人说话了。总觉得自己的家有点。。。dysfunctional. 我对照过，真的有这种现象哦，吓了我一跳，因为真的蛮准的。

终于撑到了现在。最近好像发作了，但是平复了。还好。Thank you, God. 多十几天，很快就会过得。

我知道我说我不管，但荒谬的是，我不想就这样放弃，不读了。（其实很想，但不行。）我那神经质的妈，比我还紧张。不知道在我房间摆什么怪蔬菜，逼我去拜神，冲花水，还拿我准考证去拜神。我不信，但是我说不出口。除非我疯了，不然我绝不敢和我妈开口。是，她真的就是这种人。还有。。。避孕药。没别的意思，但就是不想我在考试中不舒服。我快被逼疯了。所以如果我考得好，都是她的功劳，考不好，都是因为我的错。真聪明。

我真的很想放弃经济学，真的不想读了。

谁不想考好成绩？我也想拿五个A来炫耀，但也只不过是妄想。我想考好，只不过是为了和我妈抗议。我真的真的快受不了了。有人的妈妈会在自己女儿背后捅一刀吗？和别人说看到我Prelims能及格很惊讶，因为我根本没读。我舅舅如果不告诉我，我根本不会知道。心痛死了。现在打着打着，还是哭了。就算我知道我没有很用心在读，但是我知道我有努力。我真的有，而且成绩也进步了。和妈妈报喜讯时，她看起来很开心。我以为这一切都是值得的，因为坚持到现在，只是为了满足她。很肤浅的理由，但这也是为什么我能猖狂地说我不管了。

父母亲对我来说是最重要的。但是我不能接受他们把他们的期望硬压在我身上，塞在我手里。而且我快不能忍受，他们还是把我当作小孩看待。就算我是独生女，请不要把我当成宝来看待。我还是人，会犯错，会生气，会有自己的想法，还有最重要的，会独立。我最不能忍受我妈说我不独立，不只是因为她的溺爱，而是因为我真的能独立。

就因为这些原因，在家里的气氛很僵。我不想说话，因为我不想对他们不敬，因为我很想大喊，但是我不能。罪恶感不断侵蚀着我。（所以我说用dysfunctional来形容我的家庭并没有错。）

总之，我只想快点把考试考完。把房间放的蔬菜丢了，把准考证丢了，把书丢了。告诉父母，我想上教堂。三年了，我不想等了。起初是偷偷去，但是总觉得骗他们不对，可能是自己的借口吧。这几年一直被迫和他们去拜神，听他们的话，但心里不好受。应该会被骂，被喊，但你知道的，习惯就好。

公公又住院了，希望会没事。让我想起了和妈妈不愉快的谈话。不说了。

别搞错，我真的很爱我妈。我也知道人不是十全十美的，所以我不说。总之，发生了太多让我火大的事。

没想到打了这么长的文。虽然没人会读，但总觉得好过一些。其实也没好过多少，因为还有很多情绪没发泄出来。应该去读书了。好像离题离得很夸张。

Peace.

2010-11-05T00:32:00.001+08:00

Thank You, Lord.

Dysfunctional.

2010-11-03T16:51:00.003+08:00

I feel like I have all the rights to say my family is dysfunctional, though in a way too trivial to be significant. I think I haven't been in a very clear state of mind for the past few days; I can't study I can't focus, I can't stop the thoughts and emotions raging. And it hurts like hell. I just want to cry it out, but I can only do so in silence. I'm being driven nuts here in my own house but we never communicate; about our needs, about our behaviours and about what we want from each other.

I feel hate, then I feel guilt. A whole fucking lot of guilt.

The description. Why does it all seem so real? Damn it.

Emo.

2010-11-02T00:19:00.003+08:00

Been a while since I felt so down. Emotions have all been pushed aside to focus on the exams, or in my case, fret about it all day and do nothing in the end. But this is pretty impossible for me, because I still need my personal time and when I finally get some today, I don't even dare to face myself. I can't understand the mess that is me. All I keep hearing are thoughts flooding into me, wave after wave, and it hurts. It hurts to know that I still can't love myself for who I am. I'm sorry, it's such a weak reason.

I feel the pain, when I hurt other people. My parents, my friends, all the people important to me. When I act like a bitch to others, I feel like I need to be one to myself to ease the pain of seeing others hurt. It probably sounds dumb, but the logic in my mind is pretty fucked up, I admit.

I never as hell want to see people upset, because they don't deserve to be.

I'm tired. Tired of the heavy armour and fanciful mask I wear.

Just let me be, for tonight. I promise, I'll come back as the joyful girl I am, tomorrow.

Love.

2010-11-01T23:12:00.002+08:00

I haven't read so much for such a long while (probably since last year) and I don't usually read English books, because they can't convey meanings the way Chinese words do so precisely. Well, so it's a surprise I've gone back to reading and some stories out there are so awesome. Was just reading this super long story (okay, pretty long for a fanfic) and well, it was just lovely. The love is there, the plot twists are there and the emotions are there. Save for some grammar and spelling slips here and there, I think it's damn good. I'm no critic, and I sure am not a good writer, but I think I'm picky when it comes to these things.

Just had to get that out of the system, because I'm still feeling the love and hmm, raw emotions invoked by the fic. Ahh, warm and fuzzy feeling. Okay, back to reading. Lovely.

Bitch.

2010-11-01T02:47:00.003+08:00

Before anyone misunderstands, I'm talking about myself.

Problem of having the same friends on different social networking platforms makes it difficult for me to vent my anger, or to put it crudely, release the bitch in me (which by the way appears almost every moment I see something I don't like). This is particularly vexing, because I get irked by grammar errors, spelling errors (it's not like I don't make them, but when people don't proofread their fics, it just makes me, well, upset). I'm sounding pretty incoherent now, probably because I'm actually facing said problem of grammar errors. Okay, I don't actually see the link, but let's just take it that they are linked.

Okay, just had to let that out, because I'm getting pretty irritated. Especially when grammar errors on Facebook and Twitter are blatantly there. I know I'm such a bitch for complaining about this kind of things, but that's just me.

I need to lock up my inner bitchy self forever. I seem to have something critical to say to every...THING that comes by. I don't even know. Urk.

Back to reading.

Edit: One more thing that irks me, is that people do not, I repeat, they do not sense my disinterest in a topic. GDI. If I keep giving you a one word answer online, meaning I don't even bother to think of something intelligible to reply, for what, more than an hour, it means I am damn uninterested. I feel like I'm being force-fed information, but I don't have the heart to tell you, let's just stop this discussion, because I'm not really interested in what you're saying. And if I'm talking about right now, I'm actually enjoying my time reading and you're here ranting on and on about your SPECULATIONS. About someone I'm uninterested in (nope, not around us) and sort of dislike a little because of stuff that happened nonetheless. So the conversation is like, she says a few lines, I go 'lol'; a few more lines, I'm like 'really?'; MORE lines, I go 'lol' again. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK HAVING A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT IS INTERESTING ENOUGH TO KEEP IT GOING. And well, I need to stop having things thrown in my face and I have to come up with reasons they happen. Hello, you're not having a conversation with God here, because he'll probably know better than all of us do, but you're talking to Jocelyn. Come on, what makes you think I will know.

Okay I'm just overreacting to this one person, or maybe a few people, but this is really getting on my nerves. Next time = appear offline. Sick of this all. (See, this is how much of a bitch I can be, because I can talk to you really nicely when I bitch behind your back.)

I hate myself so much, you know.

Aches.

2010-10-31T00:49:00.003+08:00

Damn, I haven't walked so much and danced in such a long long time, I'm aching like mad now. (Well, I'm praying hard all these result in slimmer legs, though I've got more to worry about my tummy.) Went to *SCAPE today because there was this KPop bazaar advert sent to my email, and I thought, why not. Well, it was pretty awesome, apart from the crowd of people around the small table. Bought a SPAO tee (OMG where in Singapore can you get one for $19.90 - sure, it's an old design but STILL. We all know international shipping is a bitch. Every time.) and Sungmin file from Everysing, which went at $14.90. Well, shipping, once again, pisses me off. And ordered bromide and card case, which means I'll have to go down again tomorrow. But it's worth it, because the prices are lowered quite a bit, which makes a great difference why you buy lots of things. Why do I starve myself for these things, I don't even know.

Which reminds me, my hoodie arrived today! Actually it arrived 2 days ago but every time they delivered, no one responded. Can't believe they delivered 3 times, but well, my mum got it for me today, while I was out. Haven't had a chance to look at it, because it's drying on the bamboo pole. Haha.

And taught some new people No Other again, and my feet are aching like mad cause I was a dumb ass and wore slippers. Haha. I hope the videos help, because I'm going MIA for the next month. Sad life starts.

Watched Paranormal Activity 2 yesterday with SGKwavers (yes, I'm having so much life people won't believe I'm taking A levels in...9 days.). As much as I was a coward (or ninja, as John calls the three of us girls behind) and hid behind my jacket for like, close to the whole film, I think it was uh, not extremely interesting. I'm still freaked out though.

I swear these are the last 3 days of slacking, and I better resolve to keep my computer off everyday (at least until 10pm) because it's such a huge distraction.

I can't stand the fact that my computer is lagging so much. And damn the Mini 50S, I give up. Tight on money because I think I've got to pay for my orders soon. Which is going to set me back by half of my not-so-existent savings. Well, like I've been saying all this while, I've got to work my ass off after As. Not like I mind, anyway.

Lovely. Off to read.

Mundane.

2010-10-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

Yes, that's pretty much my life currently. Actually I think I have much more life than other muggers in my school (which constitute what, 90% of the school population. Don't lie, I bet all of you are closet muggers. HA.), which actually isn't something I should be proud of, because I ought to be with the majority. D:

Hoodie was supposed to be delivered but my dad didn't open the door and I wasn't home, so I'll have to collect it another time. Ugh.

Anyway, past few days have been spent on Tumblr (hence the lack of updates here). It's pretty awesome over there, but it's a little stressful because everything you post goes onto your follower's dashboard and well, I'm a spammer, so...you get my drift. But there's so many awesome people out there in the world that inspire me so much, because of many different things: their talents, their strength etc. And well, the internet is a wonderful thing that lets me know these people whom I'll never ever meet in real life.

I've been extremely unproductive this week, what with the Tumblr addiction and all. Oops.

Hoot is out, and I almost ROFL-ed at Siwon's cameo (is it even called a cameo?) in it. As usual, they're all pretty (but I'm not so into Tiffany's wig D:) but I honestly do not get the lyrics. Haha I shoot shoot shoot, you hoot hoot hoot = NO SENSE. *shrugs* I see tweets about 'Mistake' being a great song; shall check it out soon.

All right, I've been fanfic spamming for the past few days too. Loving it so much.

I think we tend to dig up all these rubbish to do when we're stressed knowing we need to study but just don't feel like it. Erps.

I feel like I need to type in perfect grammar because, well, I need it for GP. I should learn to throw in some bombastic words too, huh. Damn A levels.

Whatever, I'm back to reading. Bye.

Graduation. (:

2010-10-23T01:13:00.002+08:00

So well, it was over yesterday, or technically, the day before. (: Actually I'm pretty tired right now, cause its 2am and well, I've spent the past few hours shopping online. Lol. I hope my hoodie arrives soon! *excited*

Okay I shall go sleep now. Got to wake up to do work tomorrow!

Fangirl.

2010-10-17T11:33:00.003+08:00

Okay, I'm sure there's a spike in fangirl posts on my blog. XD Anyway, off topic from JYJ showcase, I saw BoA on Yoo Hee Seol's sketchbook and well, she is just plain awesome. I didn't watch the entire episode, just her singing 'Ain't No Sunshine', which was lovely. :D Haha and she was so cute when she messed up the lyrics. XD And she did Valenti and No. 1! Ahh, I LOVED VALENTI! I kinda recall the advertisement on the TV, which is amazing feat because I rarely watch TV. BUT YES! :D BoA! :D (Blogspot refuses to let me put a heart. D:)

And I want Kyochon 2011 Calendar! D: BECAUSE SUNGMIN APPEARS IN SO MANY PICTURES OKAY. Which makes it all the more awesome. Okay, I shall get it, after I find out the price is reasonable. D:

I miss JYJ already. D:

JYJ Part 2!

2010-10-17T10:59:00.002+08:00

Okay I shall continue from where I left off. Haha I think the fatigue got to me at around 3-4am. Kah and I attempted to stay up to go send them off at the airport, but decided to give up after I couldn't resist the temptation to just plonk on the bed. D: It's okay, we'll just pray hard they'll be back. (:

So yea, continuing from the interview, (I'm still basking in Yoochun's perfect English and draggy last syllabus which is so epic sexy and well, *melts*) I was just squealing every time Yoochun spoke in English! And Jaejoong's English greeting and the trademark shy laughter after that, and Junsu's 'very good' and 'wonderful' which sounded so adorable! And Yoochun's 'Saranghaeyo Jaejoong...Yoochun...Junsu?' when trying to understand what we were saying was so lovely! XD Although I think the screwup on our part was..heartbreaking. D: Shall not go on about it, since it just makes me even more sad.

Then it was VCR, and they did Ayyy Girl! (Okay I got a little weirded out by the song at first but it's starting to get catchy. Haha, I'm still not accustomed to the rap and, oh, the English. Lol.) And Chajatta (is that how the romanization is? XD) which was so freaking awesome! :D And yay to Korean, cause they sound so much more comfortable with it. (: And they ended off with Empty..remix? In which we were damn freaking high and jumping all over the place (while the row in front of us remained sedentary - which occured throughout the whole performance. Grr.) But yes, I think we just went mad highing over there, at least our entire row was. (Haha I think the girls beside me were pretty high fangirls too XD) But it was sad seeing the people in front of us, and its not just the row, but even more in front, who were just standing there. D: And also people who just whipped out their cameras. D: Sigh.

No encore - I think we started a lot later than expected so we were pretty sad when it ended. D: I think we're still feeling the withdrawal symptoms now. I want to see them again! D: (Or how about, I want to see the 5 of them together again!) Because throughout the entire showcase, we just kept thinking (okay, we meaning the four of us) about how empty the stage looked and how almost everything they said or did has got to do with 5 of them not together. Gosh, the heartache. D: I've refrained from spamming it throughout the post, since, well, it was JYJ's showcase, but I honestly wish to see 5 on the stage again. Singing the awesome songs that got us all hooked to them. Always Keep the Faith, as Yoochun said at the end of the showcase, which made all the Cassies melt right there on the spot. Perfect ending, because we know we will. (:

Okay, so end of fan account. Haha. Great fangirl experience with Pear, Kah and Li Ying! :D Love you guys! Haha and especially Pear, who was next to me and we just kept squealing and highing and whacking each other! Ahh, we'll do this again when they're back okay! :D

Saw some fancams already, but well, our seats were really good (bhb-ing, please ignore) and I can't seem to enjoy anything that's smaller than what we actually saw on the day itself. XD Hope they'll have a good tour! :D

Shall start a new post if not I'll seem off topic talking about stuff other than JYJ. D: Blogging about the showcase makes me sad. D: Because I'm still suffering from withdrawal and that means unproductive day for me. D:

JYJ!

2010-10-17T02:34:00.002+08:00

OMGOSH IT'S 2.30AM AND I'M FREAKING HIGH ON JYJ.

The showcase was seriously awesome, I'm telling you. It felt really short though, (actually, it was.) so we were kinda left unsatisfied at the end of it all. D: Today started off great with Pear and I going to Bras Basah to get magazines. :D And went to meet Kah and FLY at Expo. Totally spazzed at the cafe. ><>

So we were in the queue for almost 1 hour plus? Maybe more, but the moment the queue moved I felt so liberated. Lol. And I swear the moment I stepped into Hall 3 I felt like I was in a dream. So we found our seats, I repeat for the umpteenth time, which are damn freaking good, and camwhored (even in front of the stage XD)!

I shall skip the boring part about Ah Ken coming out and doing the usual warming up and stuff, UNTIL JYJ CAME OUT. What the heck, I'm pretty sure I forgot how to breathe for that few seconds or so, when they came out in white, looking as godly as ever. (Haha I disapprove of Junsu's weird..is that even a shirt? D: Though seeing his gorgeous arms kind of made up for all of it.) Seriously, all three of them look gorgeous; I'm convinced they were shining when they came out. (It's a fangirl's mind.)

I didn't listen much to the album before this (which I totally should have, because #(!_)@(#)@. That, by the way, is a euphemism for the misery caused by a certain host, in case I launch into a whole lot of vulgarities.), but they started off with Empty. I couldn't really hear them crystal clear over the music and the screaming, but I was too in awe to even speak a coherent sentence to voice my complaints. But honestly, JYJ RIGHT IN FRONT FELT LIKE A DREAM. (As you can tell, I'm still incoherent, but that's the after effects, obviously.) The moment they started singing, I just cried, because it was so, so beautiful. And because they were really here, and I still can't believe that the impossible happened.

Then it was Be the One and Be My Girl, both of which I remained in awe and shock and continued screaming and occasional tearing, because they were so...heavenly. I'm running out of vocabulary, but I don't think I can express how god-like they were in words.

I can't remember the exact order of how things went, because it's still all hazy in here. But there were VCRs and there was well, the interview. Which consisted of the normal, boring questions which I'm sure they're asked every single time. But we practically squealed at every single response of theirs, because they were just really candid and cute, though they seemed a little tired from the responses they gave. Arg, they need some rest man. Back to the interview, Yoochun's English is so darn awesome.

Okay, I shall continue tomorrow, I'm feeling incoherent now. D:

Zzz.

2010-10-11T00:30:00.003+08:00

Feeling pretty much like a zombie now, shall go sleep soon.

Everyone seems really busy these days, not just students, even working adults. Ahh, I guess everyone's just trying to do their best before the year ends. Because well, another year would have passed.

Although I tend to think a lot, I've been trying to stop myself from wandering off too far, whether is it to the positive or the negative. I guess this pretty much stems from how much I'm afraid of being discouraged or disappointed when I get my hopes up. Which pretty much happens a lot of times anyway. Maybe I should have been desensitized by now, but I still have that bit of faith and hope in me that I would be recognised, for who I am and what I am capable of. But well, I think I fall short of even my own expectations.

Well, being emo can only last so long.

Today was a pretty dramatic day about JYJ tickets. Lol. In which my morals and principles were almost washed down the drain. At least it didn't happen, and I'm glad. I'm no saint, but at least I know this is correct. Forgive me for having been tempted. Rah.

And yes the exciting thing came true! Blogshop's taking in Sungmin's Snowdrop photobook! XD Which equals to more starving and more desperateness in trying to get money. :S Go me.

Okay I'm really drained. Next two months shall be specs month. D: Nerdy.

101010

2010-10-10T02:09:00.002+08:00

Because it'll be such a pity if I didn't blog today. 101010! XD So darn awesome. Though I'm thinking, a thousand years ago it would have been 10101010 which is even cooler, but I bet no one had the means to share the joy at that time anyway. Lol.

Anyway, yesterday's Twitter was pretty lol because Kim Hee Chul was trending for practically the whole day. And as if now, it still is. Haha. Powerful.

Just cleaned up my schedule for next few weeks; I think we'll be brain dead by the end of these 3 weeks. Gosh. Jiayou everyone! :D

Results have been rather okay, except for Economics. And by okay, I mean Ds and Es. I can't believe I'm breathing the same air as people who are getting As. What is this. But Economics was a total letdown, U. Like what the heck, from a C to a U is no freaking joke okay. Frustrating like hell, praying ISP isn't updated. Damn it. But I was really surprised that I passed everything, which is miraculous.

GP dropped from a C to a D, but looking at the percentile I'm pretty satisfied.

Math was surprising (but I really did work hard for Stats okay! And two days of hard work to cram everything after binomial and poisson - at which I stopped caring and dao-ed lectures and tutorials was super torturous. I have a sudden ego boost to call myself a genius but no, I'm still not good enough to be one.) I'm technically 2% away (4 marks) from a D. Which is a huge jump from U, and considering I really didn't study much for pure Math, I count myself lucky.

Chemistry was a D, which is still a vast improvement from a S, even though the percentile makes me feel like a dumb ass. But I've been working hard on my Chem (like, finally) and I'm remaining..hopeful. Except for Chemical Periodicity which refuses to stay in my head. Grr. I love Mrs Lee, honestly.

Biology made me rather hopeful too, D. An improvement from E! And actually, Paper 3 saved my ass. Seriously. Paper 1 too actually. See how much it takes to pull up a Paper 2 with 35/100 to make 51% overall. Gosh, Mr Khairul is a lifesaver.

So my results spell DUDED. Lol. from SUCCE or something. OMG MY ECONS. D: What is this.

Okay shall stop ranting about my lousy score.

Ah the something and something I was excited about two posts ago, I'm still excited because one seems like it'll be confirmed tomorrow! Yes yes yes. So darn excited. I'm actually more excited about the other thing, but it seems like people are busy and I shall not be an irritating ass to press them about it. (:

JYJ! Our seats are pretty damn good okay. We're in the centre block behind VIP seats! I'm so freaking excited, they'll be staring in our direction! *excited* And I think QUEST is well, IDEK. D: I'm trying to believe they are still good, even though they've pulled off so much crazy stunts. But I guess the crazier stunts that fans put up make me feel like QUEST is actually sane. I guess its the case of relativity. (This totally reminds me of prooflabel.) Maybe cause some time has passed since then, comparatively I feel like this was even worse than that time. Okay, I shall justify. Firstly I think the system for booking (or pre-booking as they call it. IDK why they have to do this anyway.) was pretty much awesome as compared to CNBlue's showcase. At least their server didn't crash entirely and people were still able to get in. (Maybe its just cause Kah and I both managed to get in I think its so much easier. But yea, my opinion anyway.) But I think the aftersales service was better for prooflabel. I actually see them RESPONDING to the comments, and within a shorter time at that. And well, they just seemed tons friendlier. And because I'm a person who looks out for that more than anything else, I think that pretty much set the distinction for me.

But yes, IDC, because I've gotten my ticket and I can relax till next week. Sorry for the selfishness oozing out of here, but I think I should just mind my own business and not go offer my two cents worth on the Facebook wall, where nothing but blaming is taking place. Honestly, I've got better sense than that. And I'm so turned off by how people express their anger so crassly. I think it's really immature and well, I think a lot of them are older than me, which just puts me off even further. Disrespectful, but honestly, do you really expect me to show these adults respect when I don't think they deserve it? I'm young, but I know better. I'm not even perfect, but at least I know what's right and wrong.

This kinda reminds me of the personality test thing Li Ying did with Qian Wen and I recently. Which we all felt was insanely true. Haha. There was this one part about me being able to accept things that abide by my principles and beliefs; okay my interpretation of it probably twisted the whole meaning but I thought it was pretty apt and Qian Wen was like, yah this is so you. Haha So, there. On a sidenote, the part about how we handle stressful situations got us down to a tee. Haha.

All right, this has been a really long post, which is full of rants that weren't supposed to come out in the first place. Tomorrow is full study day. Wish me luck. Good night!

Spinning.

2010-10-08T00:30:00.002+08:00

Okay, I think I'm really falling sick. My head hurts like some crap and I'm struggling to breathe here. Damn it.

I don't even know what I'm doing here anyway. A little screwed up, I'm thinking.

Praying hard I'll pass Biology. And Economics. Please.

Okay off to sleep.

Caffeine overload.

2010-10-07T00:23:00.002+08:00

Okay its been very long since I last had this feeling. Like, I was pretty much immune to it, I think I should never drink coffee at night. Gosh. My head is throbbing like crap.

Today was pretty unproductive, thanks to horribly difficult Math papers. D: RI's Math Paper is insane, I pretty much gave up halfway. Even last year's A Level Math paper felt difficult to me; I'm so darn screwed.

You know, I'm rather surprised by my Prelims results. Seriously. (Because I know I didn't study as much as I would have wanted, but that's always a regret that I've faced and will continue facing, just because I don't have any motivation. ><) But yes, its a miracle I haven't gotten any S and U so far (though Biology is coming pretty close to that. *worried*). That's honestly a miracle (for me, duh), because I've been slacking so much. But studying really does makes a difference. I'm surprised at the E for my Math paper, especially at the 50 marks for my Paper 2. (Fine, I'm still at the bottom of the cohort, but I'm pretty proud of that, because I've never TOUCHED anything after Binomial and Poisson Distribution for Statistics until two days before Paper 2. And after the two days of chionging the whole Statistics syllabus, it was 38 out of 60 for Statistics. Which would have been impossible before.

Yes, so studying helps (as much I hate believing it just because I rather live in delusion and denial that studying can actually help my results.). Which means I have to work extra hard if I want to skip any more grades..like, approximately 5 to 6 grades. Haha sounds impossible.

Okay, that's like, the longest rant I've ever had on Academics so far, ever since Nanyang. Gosh, where have I been.

All right, to move on to something more exciting and well, adrenaline-inducing, I'M GOING JYJ SHOWCASE IN SINGAPORE!

And I'm getting really excited about something and something. Haha two very exciting things happening in my life, but I shall only start high-ing when it's 100% confirmed because I don't like getting my own hopes up. (Just because I know how many times I've been disappointed. D:) Arg okay, now's not the time for emo-ing, because there's just so much other things to be worried/happy/excited/angry about. Haha okay whirl of emotions, but that's me. (:

All right, enough of my mundane life. Shall sleep soon, as much as I'm excited still. (I bet half of it is caused by the damned caffeine cruising through my blood. Roar.) Good night!

Nua.

2010-10-03T18:24:00.002+08:00

That's exactly what I'm doing at home now. Which I obviously don't mind, but my conscience does. :S Well. Anyway, sudden (actually not exactly, but it just hit me yesterday) realization that I'm pretty much an ah lian. Which is making me very sad actually. I should change the way I talk. Oh well.

Whatever it is, I don't feel like moving an inch from my computer table.

Can someone I know buy 徐佳瑩's album? D: Ahh, having no money sucks. I've been complaining a lot about this lately, but it really is a horrible feeling. I feel like I'm going to have to work my ass off after As. (Damn, I even feel like starting now because I have so much I want to buy but no money - and I don't exactly want to ask my parents for it. :S) And the $125 I earned isn't going to last me long - I've got calendars and photobooks on my order list, I don't think it'll last me till SS3. D:

Went for Han Geng's fansign yesterday. (: I'm a happy fangirl. XD (He looks absolutely awesome, sorry for sounding shallow, but yes he does. :D) Ahaha, I'm loving his hairstyle so much, its so adorable. (I know people wouldn't exactly use adorable to describe, but to me I think it is.) XD Oh and that small drama that happened there was...IDEK. Hardcore fans are hardcore, I guess, cause that's the only way to describe it. :S Thanks to Kah Hsing, if not I probably won't get his signature! (I heard it was only until 70+ for normal queue D: I was 154, can you imagine!) LOVE YOU! (I have come to realise I can't type hearts in here, so I shan't.) Hehheh, enjoy the showcase! :D (And take lots of photos! XD)

Friday was awesome as well! (: Went for long run with Li Ying in the morning (which totally killed me because my stamina sucks like I don't know what after not training. D: Sorry FLY!) and badminton with SGKwavers! :D Attempted to hunt for Han Geng at Ion with Aggie, but failed. D: Then was basketball (which I suck at. My goodness.) at night! :D No wonder the muscle aches yesterday and today. At least I'm losing some fats (I fervently hope.)!

Its been long since I updated what I was doing (especially since these days my life is as mundane as an A level student should be. Though I'm pretty sure I have much more life than people mugging out there - SORRY! :P So I'm pretty much contradicting my blog. XD).

Okay, I shall nua a little more before I actually move my ass out of the house to go study. D:

Roar.

Respect?

2010-09-26T23:49:00.002+08:00

Unjust. Unfair. I don't even know what other words to use. Don't you think people who demand respect just because they're older, but don't even show they deserve it are full of bullshit? I don't even care whether that was a generalization or some sort of fallacy because that's just what I've concluded over interacting with adults whom I think are full of crap with their double standards and two-face-ness. I'm not perfect, so aren't these people, but can they stop acting like they are?

This is such a pointless rant, because it sounds like pure teenage angst and some incoherent trash that an 18-year old comes up with.

Actually I'm having a splitting headache now from..too much sleep. Okay what on Earth is this. Shall go do some happy stuff. Rah.

Spazz.

2010-09-18T00:32:00.002+08:00

Wow, it's been almost 20 days since I last posted. Bwahaha. You'll think I was studying, but no, I've just found other places to be spending my time on, like Twitter. And forums. Gosh.

Anyway, this is gonna be a short post, since I'm going to sleep soon. Running with Li Ying tomorrow! :D Wish us luck on our 8km run.

Sungmin's Oppaya photobook is awesome to the max. I don't care what people say but $80 is freaking worth it (fine, I could have gotten it at lesser but I have no choice. D:)! Haha bias is bias. Oppaya is opening up preorders for calendars and diaries! (I know I won't even bear to use it, but you know, it's HIM. Haha think I'm going to order it anyway.) *sees my money flying away at the speed of light*. Okay I'm high from spazzing with other fangirls. lol.

Good night. :D

Happy.

2010-08-28T01:13:00.002+08:00

Got my SM Town postcards today! I'm happy! :D Though I'm starting to think its an impulsive buy. Roar. I've been lapsing into that a lot.

And I'm really desperate for Sungmin's photobook. Desperate until I need to order off Taiwan blogshop that happen to have instocks, which is epic rare! Trust me, I've spent the past few nights hunting and aside from preorders, sites rarely buy and sell as instocks. Its a lot (I think, judging by conversion rates) more expensive than ordering directly from Korean fansite (Damn, why didn't I find out earlier), and its freaking troublesome to find a way to pay, and I'm still in the midst of finding out how. I'm so tempted to ask my cousin in China to help me, but I'm feeling a little embarrassed about it, so I shall figure it out on my own first.

And I just found out about Western Union (sorry, I'm lagging, because I don't normally order stuff from overseas), but I've yet to find out how much they charge. Lol. But the shop I'm buying from doesn't accept, I think. WHY? ): Okay anyway my solution comes in the form of another blogshop which provides money transfer services. Shall see how it works out, I'm still waiting for replies, which btw, is the worst part of this whole thing. Haha because I'm afraid it runs out of stock then I won't ever have to get it. Grr.

SS3 details are coming out tomorrow and I'm damn freaking excited. Haha. Okay whatever, its near 2am and I'm a little delirious.

Good night.

Week.

2010-08-27T00:03:00.003+08:00

Okay this week has been like, nua week number 3 or something, I've lost count. But shit it, its the last official day of school tomorrow and I'm not motivated to do a single thing. (Not even GP corrections which I owe from Monday. Just can't be bothered.) I want to blame it on the flu, but it just hasn't been around for long enough to be the cause of the 3 weeks, starting from National Day. Hurhur. Which equals close to one month of no revision. What the heck.

Okay shall stop whining about my pathetic state. Darn it.

Feeling a little lag, but I just watched Genie PV, Japanese version duh. And what the heck, did they, like, become skinnier or something?! My goodness. Though I've got to admit their legs are epic nice (did they like digitally enhance the pictures and videos - they look too long to be true.) But they look good, as ever, I guess. Especially Yuri, but she's always been looking great. :P I sound like some weirdo now. Shall stop fangirling (?).

Anw. I shall go sleep. Zzz.

Fangirl.

2010-08-25T20:07:00.002+08:00

I just wanna curse this damned flu for sucking the life out of me, thank you very much. And bring that shitass fungal infection with you. Damn it. I'm getting allergy reactions (at least that's what the doctor told me) all over my body. Freak. I don't feel like moving an inch from where I am now. Like, forever.

Anw, today's Wan Bao's SJ feature is Sungmin! *does happy dance and flails like nobody's business*

Sorry, just had to do that. (: And my mum sucks at doing newspaper cuttings. Would have done it myself. Grr.

And I'm close to flailing a second time, because SS3 details are coming out on Sunday! LIKE OMGWTFBBQ! Okay, I've got to say that was rather... but YES YES YES! I hope its a good venue (though I doubt there's a superb venue that could house so many people without us having to see them from binoculars or something -.-). And I'm praying hard that ticket sales start after As, which is virtually impossible since its in January (SUNGMIN'S BIRTHDAY!), but I can hope, can't I?

And prices of merchandise online are crazy. $54 for SS3 poker cards is just insane. Oh well, hopefully when they sell it here it'll be more reasonable. *shrugs* But I've reserved a set of SM Town 2010 postcards, because they look so good in white. Like, really good.

SUNGMIN! :D He looks epic good in the white V-neck.

*swoons*

And WTF I just remembered something. Like really really important. Like today was supposed to be prom table allocation. WHICH I FREAKING FORGOT TO ASK SOMEONE TO GO. Oh my gosh, panics. DAMN. I hope my class doesn't kill me :S

Anyway, I'm nua-ing so much I think nua-ing should be made illegal.

And this is so lovely.

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

- The Quiet World, Jeffrey McDaniel –

Haha I shall not act intellectual and make it sound like I read poetry everyday. It was used as a prompt for a fic. (:

100.3 is broadcasting C.N.Blue recordings from their events in Singapore! :D I'm smiling like a retard now. :D Which reminds me, that while we were at C.N.Blue's showcase, and fans were shouting 'Seohyun!' (or at least fanboys near us), Seohyun was singing with Kyuhyun at SM Town. And he held her hand! Aww Yong Hwa. :P

Okay what the heck I'm so frustrated now because I didn't realise they released preorder for Sungmin's photobook for his 5th Anniversary. DAMN. So now I'm desperately hunting. Like, please let me find it. ): RAH.

Okay shall continue being the fan girl I am. Duh, that's the reason for this post, wasn't it?

I think my posts are getting longer and longer.

Angst, part 2.

2010-08-23T02:25:00.002+08:00

I'm convinced its the stress.

Good and bad weekend, mostly bad because of what ensued after the good part. I feel so fucked up I can't even start explaining why.

Its just, family problems all over again. And really, knowing my mum, its just not surprising. Its not even surprising how she manages to tell the whole world about her side of the story and get people to sympathize with her and think I'm the worst daughter ever on earth. She's done it more than once and she can do it again.

And the problem is my family actually buys it. Why am I not surprised? I used to be, I guess, but I realized that as much as I love them as my family, I hate them for being the one-sided people they are. Or maybe its just one person, but whatever.

I don't give a damn whether you've got the money to flaunt. I don't even give a damn whether you're paying to get served. But you've got to at least think on behalf of the person who served you. Why make one person pay for the mistake, obviously because of a miscommunication between BOTH parties, just cause you're the customer? I, for one, do not believe that the customer is always right - when I'm the customer, at least.

I'm digressing from the source of my ugly mood, which I shall outwardly point out, is my mum. IDK how much my dad has to play in this, but knowing my mum, she probably psycho-ed him to be on her side, just as she's always done. I know how biased this sounds and how immature I am and how this is turning out to be 'oh, another teenage angsty rant'. Rant about how I am old enough to do my own things and all that shit, just because. Fuck. To them, I'm always too young for everything.

I wish I could just shout the F word in her face but there's no point because she wouldn't understand it anyway, just like she doesn't even try to understand me. Maybe I'm as stubborn as she is. And I can almost say that she's as selfish as I am. But screw that; everyone's as selfish when it comes to their own lives.

I'm in a mood too ugly to post coherently and not be tempted to lace every sentence with vulgarities. I don't know when I started this bad habit, but it sure as hell isn't going to stop anytime soon (get what I mean?).

FML.

为了谁。

2010-08-22T13:24:00.002+08:00

我快疯了。可不可以告诉我，我是为了谁而活。自己吗？怎么我感觉不到。

Morning.

2010-08-21T10:52:00.002+08:00

Well, its 11am on a Saturday morning and I'm still a little groggy. Roar.

Anyway, past few days felt a little better than what I thought, and I really thankful for that.

But I swear my brain's getting fried. I'm leaving my things all around, its getting to me. So I've lost my GC, because I left it in the LT. And I've lost around $25 because I left my wallet on the class bench. Forgetfulness and dumbness aside, why on earth does this happen?! (Following is an unmeaningful rant, you don't have to read it if you want to - if there is anyone reading this at all.) I'm honestly appalled all right. I've been meticulously making sure I don't leave my GC out in the open since the moment I got it, because it is so. freaking. expensive. Even when studying outside, if I have to leave my seat, I'll put it inside my bag. But I can't believe I lost it in school. WTF, why do you need a GC for?! Don't you already have one?! And my wallet. Should I be thankful because not my entire wallet was stolen? I want to say that, but the thought of someone blatantly opening up my wallet to fish the money out is just..disgusting.

That's the word, disgusting. Tell me, which part of this sounds like students from a supposed 'elite institution'. Why don't these people actually put themselves into the shoes of people who lost their items? Would they wish anyone else to do the same?

I'm too tired to go on about this. Just my luck, isn't it? I better slap myself awake before I lose anything else. Damn.

Angst.

2010-08-18T00:54:00.003+08:00

I guess its the stress. Which comes from not knowing what I'm going to do when I'm faced with the damn Math test tomorrow and Prelims which (I'm contemplating whether 'Prelims' is a plural or a singular term; I have decided its the former, since it stands for preliminary exams. Lol. Long through process; sorry its getting late and my brain's starting to malfunction.) are coming really really soon.

So much so that I feel like just not doing anything and waste my days away.

Okay that was a big fat lie. I'm freaking scared because I feel so unprepared but I have no motivation to get me started. (I'm exercising a lot of restraint to keep myself from an outburst of expletives but I think I can't keep it in any longer.) Damn, I'm really screwed, I tell you. I haven't no freaking idea how to do statistics. AT ALL. Because from normal distribution onwards, I have not listened during a single freaking math lecture and tutorial. So I'm practically fucked up for the test. (There, I've said it. Damn my conscience.) Because I can't find any other term to describe how bad it is. And I couldn't find my normal distribution notes; what great timing.

And the past two days sucked like hell. Head hurts like crap and I got dragged to the zoo on Monday. FUCK IT. Who drags their daughter to the freaking ZOO when she just took an MC from school: my mum. To babysit, no less. Thanks a lot mum; it resulted in an uncured headache lasting till now.

What I'm feeling now reminds me of..Sec 4 year end and last year June. In which I freaking as hell do not want to be here killing brain cells trying to stuff them with information. (Not like I've been doing much of that lately.) The only difference I guess is the intensity. And damn it, A levels. I've gone to great lengths to convince myself that I've got to make some use of the things I've been learning for the past two years, but I can't reconcile with that spiteful voice inside that I'm just wasting my time. Because I feel like I've learnt nothing out of these two years, because I've been slacking so much and my brain just refuses to register the information and keep them in. Honestly, it has never felt so bad.

And so I'm a few hours away from the dreaded school and dreaded Math test. Which equals to sleepless night and last minute mugging. Which is going to be useless because like I said my brain refuses to accept any new information. Much less it being Math, which remains my most hated subject. Not helping when school doesn't make it much better. I'm trying desperately to be subtle over here, but people who understand will be with me.

And it freaking doesn't help when the doctor says what I have on my foot isn't eczema but fungal infection. FUNGAL INFECTION! For goodness sake, what the fuck have I done to get a fungal infection. Oh btw, which he mentioned, which army boys normally get. FUCK! TMI, dear. I'm so exasperated; fine, that's a little bimbotic, but seriously, this sucks. Its a totally FML moment. And the problem is its spreading to my other foot and my hands. I just want to swear to no ends okay. Whatever that fungus is, you better be glad you're not visible if not you'll die a fucking terrible death.

I experiencing such major angst, which I'm supposing is a little late considering I'm 18 and that was supposed to happen years ago but didn't, just because it had to be suppressed. By..external factors. Look here, I'm not a freaking saint and its going to stay this way. Fine, just take this as teenage angst of an..adolescent. Haha shameless of me to call myself that, but whatever it takes to justify this convulsive attitude of mine these days. Relapse? Maybe, but I'm feeling more of anger than anything else, so probably not.

And I should apologise for my moodswings. I couldn't even add 'lately', because its been happening for too long for that term to be justified. If you haven't gotten a taste of it, it just means we aren't close enough or you're too oblivious to realise. Period. And count yourself lucky. Though I don't exactly appreciate the insensitivity if its the latter.

I've been giving a 'don't talk to me' kind of vibe, which isn't surprising since I'm used to doing that ,but its getting more frequent lately. Must be the lack of avenue for me release the .. tension. I just wanna shout it out that I hate school, I hate studying and I hate acting like I've got some motivation when I do not have any.

And I'm tempted to laugh or even sneer when I hear stuff about being sad when we leave JC. Well, I'll be sad to leave people I .. know. (I struggled over the choice of word. Like? Love? My heart isn't just big enough to have this unconditional love for everyone. Maybe some, but not all.) But like I always say, and never fail to reiterate, I can't wait to get out. I'm sorry if this came out a little more heartless than I hoped it would be, its the truth and I don't want to cover it by sprouting nostalgic nonsense, even if I may feel them too. The past three (I just had to include Sec 4, because its probably the start of all these shit) years have given me really good memories, but also very bad ones as well. And me being me, tend to focus more on the bad side of everything. I'm more likely not to remember the times I was praised (were there even any? - that's what I mean) than the times something bad happened. Like stuff I told my psychiatrist and counselor last year; they're still etched in there, slashing a new wound every time I think back.

Its so foolish right? Choosing to remember things that will only hurt me more. I sound like I'm self-victimizing here, since I haven't gone through extremely tough predicaments like others did (I should stop comparing). I've said before, I hate people doing double takes on themselves (sorry Xinyi, it came out harsher than I meant it to be), but now I know its because I do that to myself, alot. And I know how much it hurts, so I'd rather no one else does that too. I don't normally say it out though; the struggle just occurs in my head, and I'm guessing that's what's killing my brain cells instead of math formulas.

I've heard so many stories, about how work life is worse than school life and I'm already quite convinced. I just can't stop myself from wanting to start anew. I think I understood what Soo Han said when she said Nanyang gave her bad memories. I've got to say the same, actually. Even HC too. I'm not saying they're all bad, because there's so much more people who would say otherwise. I'm not complaining about their education; they've given a good education, results being a testament of it, not mine of course, mine's probably an abnormally (outlier, since we just ended that topic. Lol. Can't believe I remember.). I can even safely say I want my children follow suit, but that is if my children want to. I guess that's where the difference lies between me and the vast majority who loves the school with every cell of their being (okay I doubt this really exists, but well, just love the school.)

I'm feeling the caffeine from two hours ago setting in. No, I'm not getting more awake (in fact, I'm getting sleepier by the second), its just my heart pumping faster. Or maybe its because of the medication. Or both. Whatever, just a really strange feeling.

I'm starting to think its a relapse. I feel like just sitting in a corner, not doing anything. Fuck.

Anyway, there's something that gets on my nerves recently. Like, I'm in Year 2, I'm taking A levels this year. And as expected of a typical HC student, I would be going to a university, no? No. But I rarely say that, unless I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't say anything. Not in front of me at least. I'll just give a polite smile and nod, if you start going on about how I'll get into a university, a good course, get a good cert, get a good job, get a good pay and live well for the rest of my life. What a nice and smooth path set out for me: success is almost within grasp. I know I can always do that, if my A levels are actually going to turn out well, that is. Sure, but I don't want that. Just because there isn't a university course that fulfills what I want, here, at least.

And as much as I want to get away from home, I'm reluctant to go overseas because of the cost. And my love for the Eastern culture, or Asian culture to be exact. (Its not like I haven't tried; I've been to U.S., but I've got to say I didn't really like it there. Just my own opinion though.) And I've tried searching for universities offering Art in China, but I can't seem to find what I want; they seem to be more .. traditional? Maybe.. too oriental. Haha what the heck right, what should I expect? Maybe Taiwan? I haven't really looked, but I'm starting to think my lousy command of Chinese isn't going to be very helpful. Its not like my English is any stronger, but that just gives me a better reason to stay here. And I'm not exactly impressed by university art course here; which btw I think is only the one offered by NTU. Which, I've got to say, they don't put a lot of emphasis on, judging by the talk they gave on Scholarship Day. Well, we've at least got something to blame for our lack of creativity or whatever it is that our media and art industry isn't flourishing like how it should be in our country. SIM offers one too, but its a joint one with business, if I'm not wrong (haha like duh, its SIM), and honestly speaking, I don't care how narrow it may sound, I don't want to do anything other than art. Marketing maybe, since I want to do advertising, but er..not hardcore business and visual communications as a minor. It would have to be the other way round to entice me into getting into any course like that.

I'm starting to rant .. a lot. And I've got to say its getting late + I'M STILL NOT STARTING ON MATH. I just want to swear and move on, but the nagging voice in my head refuses to stop.

I swear this split personality of mine drives me crazy sometimes. It really does. (Even though I love it sometimes, but the part where I keep contradicting myself gives me a hell of a headache, which is what's happening right now.)

And guess what, I totally didn't mean for this post to be so long, but it somehow just became this way. Haha. No one's reading anyway. (Though I'm always secretly praying that people will read and at least tag some encouraging words of some sorts to at least let me know they care; but I seem to have lesser friends than I think I do. Haha what a sad life.) Maybe I'm just trying to attract attention here with the 'emo-shit' stint, and waiting for people to take pity on me. Or I just need someone to slap the hell out of me to wake me up from those fruitless daydreams and fantasies and just shout at me to start studying. Or maybe like I said, I'm self-victimizing myself too much. Or people have just gotten bored of trying to find out about other peoples' lives, when their own are falling apart just as much as mine is. (Haha, sense the emo-ness.)

I think the last is likely. Seeing as I bloghop (and I don't tag as well. Oops, I guess its retribution.) and I see dead blogs all over, on hiatus (honestly, I don't even know what this word means exactly. I get the meaning, but no, I've never bothered to go look it up a dictionary.) and it only serves to slap me with a pang of guilt why I'm not doing the same thing. (The only thing on hiatus is probably my brain, but that's been covered earlier.) And I keep seeing emo posts elsewhere. Haha. And all those smart asses out there who keep complaining they haven't studied; but are still getting results good as hell compared to mine, damn you all. (I'm starting to feel why people hated 402 because we just kept complaining about our results, when they weren't so bad comparatively.)

If you do actually read this, please do tag. Haha I'm feeling desperate and shameless now. You can tag as anonymous, but at least let me know you read this. I'm just damn curious about who actually read such a long entry to the end. Just consider it an attempt to liven up my tagboard all right. That's me being extremely thick-skinned.

Its making me puke, I shall sign off before I really do.

Hmm.

2010-08-15T20:40:00.006+08:00

Not a very productive weekend, besides studying Biology application syllabus. Whatever, I don't feel like giving a damn anymore. ): Fine I always say this, but roar, the opportunity cost. ):

And I got to see my Sungmin fancam. Wahaha. Okay fine I can't see the abs cause its too blur, but Sungmin + sexy dancers + hot dance = spontaneous combustion. I'm this close to screaming in the room. Haha and besides OMG and AHHHHH I think I ended up lashing out a whole lot more expletives and going crazy in the room. Oops. Been on that rage lately. Haha but no you won't get to hear much of it because I limit that to my personal space. (:

And I'm umm..half amused and half pissed. IDK, because it really is quite .. weird. Saw people selling SS3 merchandise in Singapore. Like..wow. I'm just in awe. But its really quite expensive as compared to the actual price? Er..if that's how to cover travel costs I guess. -.-

Oh and I watch Aftershock today! Haha yes how random and spontaneous. I just walked by the cinema at 11.05 and there was a show on at 11.20 so I just went to buy ticket. And mm, I would say its an okay movie. Sorry to people who loved it, but I felt there were things unexplained (and not in the way that they were supposed to be like that) and well, it wasn't a 'WOW' kind of movie. But I've got to admit its a real tearjerker; I think the mother acted really well. And also the one that appeared in the second earthquake scene. Its heartbreaking to see and hear them WAIL for their lost children. And I've got to admit though the computer enhanced graphics were a turn off for me (fine its a little too critical if I say I want everything to be filmed as it is because that's rather impossible), I still cried bucket loads of tears. (Can you imagine the things in my head: 'Freak, my goodness, THE PEOPLE' + 'Dang, the computer graphics'?!) But I think the female lead is too pretty. (Haha you must be thinking, what the shit, not pretty enough also complain, too pretty also complain.) But I think, er, she's really too pretty for this movie. Like to the extent of sticking out a little. ><>

Anw, having lots of feelings currently. First thing is.. I don't understand how people can be so..okay scrape that, because my vocabulary's not strong enough to give an adjective to describe. Okay I think I've got it..self-centered. I don't think its the first time (I'm being a fair person here who doesn't overgeneralize because I've got more than one example to back me up. Fine I may not have a counter argument, but because its a personal rant, that is unnecessary. So there for GP.) I've seen it happen. I think Facebook + Twitter shows it. Lol. I don't understand why people simply REFUSE to look through past comments to see what questions have been asked before and ALREADY ANSWERED, and blatantly proceed to ask the SAME question. How oblivious right? Excuse me, you need to understand that you're not the only person who has a question. And if you're the first person to ask, live with it! Go through the comments before posting the exact same thing (or you'll risk incurring the rage of people like me who bother to go through comments and I see tons and tons of the same question being asked over and over again - all within a short period of time.). I totally understand if the question was asked like, a few days ago or the topic has gone so far down that the question doesn't appear on the first 2 - 3 pages (oh, which isn't a really good gauge, JUST BECAUSE people keep spamming the walls and timelines..go figure.), I'm absolutely fine with them asking again. But honestly, the admins and whoever's tending to the board has a life, and mind you, that does not involve answer the same question the same way to what, a thousand people? *throws up hands in despair*

Sorry, just had to have a drama moment for these drama people who think they're oh-so-important. And I had to take a few minutes off the post for a while looking through Sungmin's pictures (*FLAILS*) before coming back to continue, if not it'll be full-blown angst. And silent readers, which I think are few, if you agree please like, tag. Haha so I know I'm not the only sane one. I feel like I'm being self-centered myself (oh my, its a freaking counter argument.), by saying that I DO read the comments, but the fact is that I think a lot of people do, and these are the people who do not post unnecessarily. Love you guys loads.

And another thing. Haha I'm feeling talkative today, as you can see. And I think as my online persona becomes more active, my real life persona's starting to fade out. DANG, and its not like in real life I'm a very active person in the first place. :P

Oh I almost sidetracked. Haha. Anw, I think, hmm, how should I post this so I don't offend people. Okay I'll try, I think Singaporeans (eh eh me included okay, so don't bash me) are generally uninitiated and er..not..spontaneous, is that the word? Okay basically I was watching this video of a flash mob in..was that China? I'm sorry I can't remember but it was honestly cool. (: I didn't find it on Youtube, haha just stumbled upon it while looking for SS3 pictures :P But they did a medley, I recall Bad Romance and Jaiho. Haha I think the Jaiho one was damn cute. :D Okay back to topic, see, that's what I mean. Haha I think its going to be impossible to achieve that kind of standard (and I've got to say it looked really really good, they filled like, a whole street?! Damn cool please.) here. Haha cause we lack uh..creativity and uh..a whole lot of other things. Oh, including GUTS. Haha.

OMG I JUST SAW THIS (Sorry, I'm epic-ly multitasking with 11 tabs open and when I open images I open more tabs. Lol.)!!!!! (It's got no link to the previous topic + it involves massive fangirling and flailing)

LIKE OMG YES YES YES! (+ self-censored expletives when I saw this image. LOL)

Okay that was a little wild, but yes. Totally. He. Can. Freaking. Sing. Okay. Yes and he can dance and he can act and he can do so many things like martial arts and magic and play the guitar and toss pizza LIKE WHAT THE HECK CAN HE NOT DO MAN! Okay sorry that was a little OOC (oh my I'm reading too much fics, haha I'm using OOC!) But yes he's just too talented. Lol. I know the toss pizza thing was a little random but freak, he can toss pizza like a pro after 4 hours of practice.

Okay I think I shall continue my fangirling on Twitter where there's people to spazz with me. Haha. And thanks for reading my er..relatively more intellectual post as compared to brainless fangirling posts these days. :P

SUNGMIN is LOVE

2010-08-15T01:21:00.002+08:00

Haha maybe when I get a little more sane I'll delete this fangirl post but I doubt so because of my ultimate laziness. :P SS3 in Seoul yesterday. Piang I'm getting damn jealous with all the fan accounts. ): Sungmin apparently had a DAMN FREAKING HOT solo with 6 dancers. AND HE FLASHED HIS ABS! LIKE OMG ITS CAPS SPAM FOR THE NEXT PARAGRAPH BECAUSE I'M ULTRA EXCITED TO SEE THE FANCAM BUT NOTHING ABOUT HIM IS UP YET! DAMN IT!

): I wanna be there. ): Though I'll probably hyperventilate on the spot. SS3 in Singapore!! Next year, I swear I'll find means and ways to get good place. Equals wherever Sungmin is going to be majority of performance wahaha. OMG OMG OMG OMG. But I bet its going to be damn difficult. Freak. Okay, please like start selling tickets after A levels so I don't freaking give a damn whether I end up queuing overnight or anything. Like, pretty please.

SPAZZES. SUNGMIN AHHHH!

LOVE 張芸京!

2010-08-11T00:59:00.003+08:00

Past few days have been extremely unproductive, but eventful! :D Shall post day by day!

Friday: National Day Celebration

Well it was rather normal, until the Frisbee-throwing part which got a little out of hand. -.- Basically nua-ed in the afternoon after getting home.

Saturday: Dance! :D

Woke up early, for I don't know what reason. Dance in the afternoon; Ash is back! (: And we did freestyle, which was weird to the max considering its a beginners class and we're like, noobs. :P But he was funny as usual. (: And went for SGKwave dance session. NO OTHER!

Sunday: Gee rehearsal. 張芸京 in Singapore!

Rehearsal, which was as usual. Nothing really exciting. And 張芸京 arrived in Singapore! :D (Couldn't welcome her at the airport because of dance practice. Boo. ): ) And she was on Sheng Siong Show! Realized Ying Ci was there. Haha. I practically screamed when I saw her on the TV. :P

Monday: Gee! 張芸京签唱会！

Morning was the flash mob, which went okay. Haha. It rained, but I guess that didn't dampen our spirits cause it was an exciting 1 and a half minutes of Gee after the rain stopped! :D And we did er..5 minutes worth of YOG cheer. Haha.

HIGHLIGHT: 張芸京签唱会！OMG OMG OMG! :D *fangirl spazz* Ended up quite far behind cause I didn't get to queue early. But she sounds damn good live! :D And she was so shy when the fan sang 只爱你 during the game. CUTENESS OVERLOAD!

Pic spam on FB. (: Oh I totally must say this, haha cause its too exciting. Before the signing = think of what to say when shaking hands. Haha. On stage = practice and practice and pratice in head. But everything just went blank when she looked at me and went, '你好!' Haha. Fine that's what she said to everyone but still!!! Then while she was signing I had to quickly think of what I wanted to say. And I did! :D

“阿京，加油！” Fine, it's very simple to the point of being lame but I didn't want to sound too long-winded, plus I'm not even confident I'll remember what I want to say when I see her. :P I wanted to say “我爱你！” but was afraid it'll sound too cheesy. Haha so I omitted that. Lol. And she gave a really firm handshake! WAAAAAAAA! And she replied, “谢谢！” with a smile! !(@)#$C!)(@)# I ALMOST FAINTED! And the lady to her right also said that (I think its her manager?) And I was a little lost after that. Haha until the lady passed me back the lyrics book I was in shock mode. Lol. I think I looked a little retarded there.

Tuesday: 張芸京音乐会！

OMG IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!

I shall wait for people to upload videos so I can spazz again. :D

Meanwhile, its time to sleep! Its 1.35 AM. :P

阿京啊，只爱你绝不动摇，我只爱你绝不动摇！I LOVE YOU!

Optimism isn't my forte.

2010-08-04T00:38:00.002+08:00

Its rather late now. And I'm extremely tired. I just can't wait for National Day to be here (just so I can have short break. JING! :D)

Lots of things going on the past few days. Ticketing. Everywhere. Sucks like hell please.

I'm too tired. Night.

Chaos.

2010-08-01T01:53:00.002+08:00

Lol. After a 3 hour battle this morning with Wan Jane and finally getting the tickets, Gatecrash oversold 150 tickets. Oops. Haha I don't think the battle just applied to us but all fans trying to get onto SAM, Singpost and Gatecrash. Well I admit I was pissed and still am pissed and may have scolded more vulgarities than anytime in my entire life up till now, but I don't think its wise to bash people involved, like the FC, Proof Label and Gatecrash.

Come on, we're all disappointed that things turn out to be this way, but its a little.. uncivilized, no that's not the right word but I'm a little too tired to try another work that might fit, to push all the blame to one party. I've got to admit I've seen some really nice fans around, and I've got to say CNBLUESGFC and Proof Label are really great. Honestly. If you've gone through all that, you'll realize that. But I think they're people who are just..I don't even know how to describe (pardon my lack of appropriate vocabulary). They just flood the organiser's FB and emails like nobody's business. Hello, if you have a question that's likely to concern this, you're most likely not the only one who has that problem. -.- Either someone asked it before, or after that one question, other people need to read and stop asking again. Roar.

And although I was really quite angry with the server crash, but I don't think Gatecrash is entirely to blame. Think they wouldn't have expected such heavy traffic. So stop bashing them! Roar. And its not like I haven't been through the agony of trying to get tickets before coming to that conclusion. Its just, disappointment is one thing and actions that come after that is another.

Actually the people I'm really pissed with are those selling tickets at exuberant prices now. Fuck, you don't have a freaking right to extort money or profit from fans this way. I saw posts on forums and fb trying to sell off their tickets. And one even tried selling CAT 2 tickets, selling at $128 originally, starting from $250. And honestly, people who offer to buy aren't helping the situation.

I'm a little too tired now to complain even more.

On a lighter and happier note, ZHANG YUN JING IS COMING!

Okay there's dance tomorrow again. Lol. Think we're learning the YOG cheer? Nice.

Oh yea oh yea oh yea. (:

Tickets. :S

2010-07-30T00:29:00.002+08:00

Damn I'm in a frenzy now. No actually I'm looking quite relaxed here but I'm worrying about whether we get our tickets. Damn, I clicked barely seconds after 11pm and I'm not even in the first 30. FREAK! I don't want to end up in front of a SAM machine early in the morning at 9am on Saturday to get my tickets! DAMN.

Woohoo I'm happy today at least. (: Saw the cute guy at Starbucks. Wahaha. (I'm not stalking okay, I just happen to be studying there everyday. :P) But yes, its a happy feeling to have something to look forward to when you're there. (: And he was diligently clearing tables and kept walking around = happy! :D Haha I'm feeling a little crazy.

PANICS!

Bioethics.

2010-07-29T00:59:00.001+08:00

Wow, I'm quite interested in this thing actually. (HC must be proud of me man.)

SINGAPORE : A thought-provoking exhibition that also seeks to question one's ethics is now on at the Science Centre Singapore.

At the Bioethics exhibition, which was launched by Health Minister Khaw Boon Wan on Wednesday, visitors are introduced to the concept of bioethics and the nature of bioethical issues.

Complex themes like stem cell research and genetic modification of organisms are presented in a simple and engaging manner.

The exhibition also aims to stimulate critical thinking and encourage learning through self-reflection.

This includes issues like whether one would choose genes to determine the sex of a child or whether cloning should be allowed.

Visitors can also take part in the decision-making process through various interactive thematic exhibits.

The exhibition is organised by the Science Centre, the Centre for Biomedical Ethics, National University of Singapore, and the Bioethics Advisory Committee. - CNA/ms

C.N.Blue! :D

2010-07-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

Okay I'm getting really excited here and am waiting for the email blast as promised by the fc. (: For the record, I got home at 9+, intending to get some work done. But details just kept coming in to the state that I had tabs open for twitter, facebook, blog and forum and refreshing every one minute. Haha well, it was worth it I guess, at least it got me all pumped up about it. (:

But the tickets are bloody expensive. Roar. Shall be satisfied with Cat 2 (which is $128 already..what the..it's sucking my savings dry. ): )

Shall do work tomorrow morning. Damn fail. This is permanently happening.

I can't even talk in coherent sentences now.

And I think HC is trying to push us all up, seeing from the moderation of GP and Econs. Like wow, I managed to hit Mrs Chin's target for C in BT2 for both. Haha (Although by right they're Ds) Well.

Feeling really sleep right now. Shall wait until the email comes and I'll go sleeeeep.

Spam.

2010-07-26T01:21:00.002+08:00

Well, the reason for title: I've been spamming lots of videos lately (like I haven't always been), but whatever.

Today's practice was fun! :D Actually all the practices have been fun. Just a little distraught over the fact that I end up with weird feet positions at some parts. Oops.

Let me spam critics for videos for a while. Don't read if you're not into it, or just plain disagree with me.

I think I leave all my fat burning to Friday + weekends, with the massive spam of dance lessons. Can't believe next Friday's our last. D: Damn, but I won't give up the weekend ones!

Watched a few performance videos today. SHINee's Up and Down is starting to grow on me, maybe cause they're promoting it? IDK, I honestly hate the autotune though, but that's their style I guess. But Jonghyun sounds really awesome in Up and Down and Lucifer! I think his parts were like, made for him. Haha. The songs too, actually. And I think I'll continue to be sour over Key's hair throughout their entire promotion. Bleh. But I think Lucifer's growing on me too. Lol. 'Her whisper is the Lucifer'! (Makes no sense, grammatically wrong, but the way Jonghyun sings it just makes up for that. Haha) And I love the choreography for the..first 40 seconds or so. Haha I'm okay with the rest, but the front was amazing. (The wave thing, I'm sorry I can't find a nicer way to call it. ><) Lol, and what's with Jonghyun flashing his back.

C.N.Blue's coming! :D Freak, damn excited please. *squeals!*

Super Junior's goodbye stage. The days of finding out translations to what Leeteuk is shouting are over. ): Allow me to spazz for a while, because Sungmin was too freaking hot during Bonamana on Inkigayo. (Either he was really pissed or he just had that expression - hotness) Frankly, I'm not into how they sing it live (must they do it with that annoying autotune thing in the background?!), but one thing I look forward to is the dance break! :D But today's camera wasn't on Sungmin during dance break (it was like, a split second thing. Grr.) But it was cool as usual (actually I only really like the dance from the dance break part. Hurhur but its a little too high level for me to catch anything - like Boom Boom.) Which reminds me, I wish they promoted that song more. D: I love the feel of that song! And Eunhyuk's choreography! Haha his solo at the end is .. haha I can't describe it in words. But the kiss + hot expression = faints.

Okay spazzing over, for now at least. Its like, going to be 2am. And I'm still here. Grah. And then I fall asleep tomorrow. Vicious cycle, I know.

One day lesser to prelims and As and freedom! (Haha what kind of shitty countdown is that.) Please ignore me (for today, at least), I think its the coffee + late night + (maybe) the cute guy at Starbucks. (Haha only Li Ying knows!) HAHAHA what the heck right. I'm turning into some bimbo. But whatever, I need to keep myself entertained and alive. :P

Nights!

Sucks.

2010-07-20T22:46:00.002+08:00

Okay, just gotta say, today felt really sucky. Think the late nights are taking a toll on my health and whatnots. Gosh.

Anyway. It wasn't too bad receiving Econs paper. Honestly, D isn't a very good mark, but for someone who only started studying the morning of the exam (yes, I was that pathetic) I think its uh, not bad. Or slightly more than not bad (allow me to boost my own ego for a while, which by the way, has been badly bruised over the past weeks). But that's just cause its case study. Me and my excuses. But yes, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

This leaves me to worry about Biology (I'm praying hard I'll do fine for GP essay - I've been relatively consistent so I hope I won't suddenly screw up somewhere). Please, I can't have any more Us. I honestly don't want my mum to have to go down. I know I keep saying I don't really care about results anymore, but obviously that's a big fat lie. I still do. At least I want to make sure my days are peaceful without Mrs Boo haunting my parents down.

I just realised I didn't post this and hibernated my computer overnight. Haha. Retarded.

Anyway, Lucifer is out. Er, I still can't get used to Key's hair. And they've got some weird fashion there. Think the dance looks cool (I love the last pose, haha) but I guess I'll wait for their live. (:

Inception.

2010-07-19T22:12:00.002+08:00

Watched Inception today and I've got to say its a really great film. I think I can safely say its one of the best films I've ever watched (and although that's not a alot of movies, but it sure counts, because I'm biased towards Asian films.). In case you think I'm talking trash, I don't think I've ever said this about any other movie; I'll probably say they're good, but never good enough for me to say that its one of the best I ever watched.

I think I've got a prejudice against western films, because I can't relate to them. And some really made me cringe. I especially hate brainless films or stuff that are just over; over-actioned, over-CGed, over-sexed. Not trying to generalize here, but there's one or two that made me go 'what the hell did I just do' at the end, which explains my distrust in them. And I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not interested But this is one that changed my mind.

Honestly, its just damn freaking awesome. It really lingers even after watching it. I'm still feeling the adrenaline from the movie, if you get what I mean. Fine, I shall not act smart, because there are parts where I didn't get and still don't. But that's the beauty, because it sets you thinking and gives you an aftertaste that's strong and lingering. Woo. It's been long since I've felt like that. (: And I think this movie really struck a chord in me, what with all my ideas about living in dreams. Its such a foreign concept, but it seems all too familiar to me. Which makes me even more in love with this movie.

Haha sidetrack a little, I think Arthur was really cool and charming. And bloody smart to use the lift.

Okay anyway, today was a really great day because of Inception and captain's ball! :D

Heard SHINee's Lucifer (I love the name and reference. :D Which means its off to a good start.) uh..I don't think its extremely catchy, but it sounds like its gonna have some kick-ass dance moves to it. Please don't disappoint me!

Well. Whatever.

Shagged.

2010-07-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

Today was TIRING. Like, extremely. It's been a hundred million years since I've stepped into a gym and even longer than that before I did 20-10 abs. Li Ying too. We almost just died there.

It was just ultra hectic, going from gym to studying to dancing to studying and to dancing. But well, it was really fulfilling. :D

My brain's not really functioning now.

Mr. Boogie promotion's out. Uh, to be truthful I was expecting a little more because f(x) has always been a good dance group and the dances for their titles have been great and they dance really well. But this concept is a little...commercialized. IDK, maybe its the trend but its kinda sad to see them compromise on the choreography and performance to accommodate the 'sexy' concept with heels. And Amber is still not back. Double sad. D: But Amber + ankle injury + heels sounds like a bad equation. I think they sound decent live, seeing as the dance had some chest pops and other sharp movements. But yea, it stops at decent. Except for Luna, of course. (But personally I didn't really enjoyed the adlibs. ><)

Sorry for the long critic, but I'm a little sad. Not as though I really liked the song in the first place. I kinda think I only like NU ABO in the mini album (because of the dance, haha.) The others were a little..either overtweaked or commercialized or ballad which I didn't really appreciate. Well.

Grah. Whatever it is.

Tomorrow will be a good day. :D I hope, at least. (:

Lazy.

2010-07-13T00:22:00.003+08:00

To tell the truth, I'm posting this from my netbook, just cause I'm too lazy to walk back (5 steps away) to my laptop on the table. Yes, I'm a retard.

Anyway, like my MSN PM, I have come to believe that I'm the queen of bullshitting reflections out of nothing. Sorry, I think I'm starting to 'fire-deviate' while doing the project closure report for YCM. Gosh, and I'm not even half done. I shall continue in school tomorrow. That's what this netbook is for, anyway.

Today I discovered something..peculiar. I realised that doing GP stuff makes me feel so darn accomplished. (Yes, as usual its all crap, but you know the feeling you get when you see pieces of paper filled to the brim with words!) It just got me excited, since I was doing Issues and Ideas, which I think is quite fun but is really difficult, I swear all of my answers are irrelevant. But I think responding to the questions inside does help, since I'm feeling more inclined to write in a more refined manner, at least for now. Or maybe, just not here, because I need a break from bombastic words for now.

Anyway, I got my repacked album today. *squeals* Hotness to the max, I swear I almost drooled flipping through. ALMOST. *Gasps for air* It's a little late now so I'm getting a little high. Don't mind me. And I almost left the poster behind at Starbucks after studying today. Thank goodness I have a habit of sitting outside where people rarely go.

And while walking along the shops, a thought just popped up. Whatever you thought you will never do, will become a habit if you let it. Okay, what the heck, that sounds grammatically/philosophically or whatever WRONG. But just the thought that some things which I never though I'll do or accomplish or even try, I've probably gone through it. And some of it becoming habits. Well, blame it on the brain.

And reading about Science and Technology in Issues and Ideas is driving me kinda nuts. Though I'm obviously no technophobia, but whatever Bill Joys or the insane guy he was said to resemble (along with Bill Gates..yea, go figure.) was saying did seem quite scary. Like self-replicating robots? Damn, that's a scary thought. Maybe its too much Biology but I thought of stem cells.

Anyway, I'm getting tired. Its close to 1am and I'm still here dwindling around. Great.

Night. (Reminds me of Dark. Haha, sorry its a personal joke only meant for me to laugh at. :D)

双子。

2010-07-02T00:31:00.002+08:00

Was just hopping around on forums (yes, I'm not studying. ) and saw this. Haha its quite cute. (: This post is meant for me to bookmark. Haha. So too bad if you're not a Gemini.

双子座——赶不上

双子通常总是早熟的孩子，有早熟的心智，然而，却没有早熟的经历。他们本来可以期许，可以拥有，但理智总是让他们选择等待，直到花落去，燕归来，终于可以名正言顺的去追求时。却发现，不仅岁月经不起等待，那个人更经不起，终究是赶不上了。
“心智的刺激”就是美丽的力量，双子具有明显的双重性格，随机应变，见风转舵，化劣势为优势，他们最行。

爱情保护伞——轻盈花折伞
双子的爱情保护伞，不过是一个道具，你看那流畅的姿态，来来去去，潇洒容易，喜欢的时候撑起来，享受伞外的风景，倦了，累了，便收纳藏于盒中，一切似乎都没有过。直到再遇上衷爱的人，衷爱的天气，再撑起，点缀风景。折腾个一生一世，或者，直到伞骨断裂，方才罢休，爱情，其实根本不用保护。

双子的孤独无药可医，他们的单纯使他们经常把很多事放在感性的放大镜下观看，虽然表面上理性。

所有的一切都被虚化被美化，他们的内心认为朋友就是在危难时刻拔刀相助不计后果的，爱情就是简简单单没有伤害的，但事实并不是这样，现实的很多碰壁很多失望令他们手足无措，原来世界并不是他们想象中的那样，而他们追求完美的天性和孤傲的本质令他们与孤独就此结缘，那种痛彻骨髓的冷，无处可诉的悲凉，看着自己亲手毁掉曾经美好的梦想。

有人说孤独每个人都有，太自恋了吧。但双子的孤独只有双子自己知道，那是没有可能治好的绝症。因为双子天生就是两个心，两颗脑，他们的感受，他们的所思所想都是双倍的。但他们却只有一个躯体，一个世界。

所以，他们注定这样孤独而劳碌的用一个人的身体承受着两个人的快乐与伤悲，还有永远的孤独。

这是一个天生残缺的星座，天生在找寻能与自己契合的另一个人，但谁能找到一个相同的自己？？

双子不想孤傲，不愿独来独往，（其实大多数双子表面呼朋唤友，内心却从来没有依靠，孤独无依）但他们的敏感和天生的优越感使他们无法妥协。双子，有很多人羡慕他，很多人嫉妒他，很多人厌恶他，几乎没有一个星座能有这样大的争议性。我想说，双子的孩子们，他们的眼泪永远多于笑容，那些在阳光下微笑，却用眼泪洗涤如水凉夜的孩子，那些从不愿别人失望但自己却因此精疲力尽的孩子，他们的名字是双子。如果你的爱人是双子，那么请你好好爱他，（因为他真的不会自己寻找快乐）

如果你是双子座，你就要听清楚了--你的一生都注定你要去寻找你的另一半。
为了找到你的另一半，你会尝试着和各种不同的人相处、相恋。
在众人的眼里，双子都是花心的，你们花心却不会一脚踏两船，而是经常换船。
然而没有人知道你们这是为了找寻真爱阿！
只要找到了你的另一半，双子就不会再换了，双子的痴情与专一只会给一个人。双子的痴情是让人惊讶的，就像他们的花心一样让人吃惊。
然而双子又是可悲的，因为那另一半并不是每个双子都能找到的，因此双子总在茫茫人海中寻寻觅觅，找寻真正的爱情。
同时在无意之中伤害了身旁的追随者。
然而事实却是，与双子座的人谈一场恋爱是会让人永生难忘的，这段爱情绝对充满了惊喜与快乐。
所以，喜欢经常换船的双子总能轻易的找到另一条船来换。
爱上双子的人们啊，你享受到了多少快乐？那就不要在乎双子将会带给你多少无情的伤害了。除非你有信心让双子相信你就是他的另一半。
这是真正的双子！

很多人都说双子的不是，心不在焉，花心，等等，在大多人眼里双子似乎一无是处。其实双子是很脆弱的。双子害怕伤害，既不愿意伤害任何人，也不愿任何人伤害他们，并且不信任任何人，所以即便是很要好的一群朋友在一起，有些时候他们也会表现得非常沉默，因为双子的心灵总是孤独的。

他们不愿意被人理解，也不屑被人理解，很多时候，即便跟你观点有分歧，他们也不会跟你争吵，他们不屑争吵，只有在偶尔无法忍耐的时候才会弄得面红耳赤；不过对于性情温和的人，他们则极尽他们的口才以达到说服的目的，他们不愿意发生争吵.

双子的朋友基本都是泛泛之辈，感情深厚的朋友实在少的可怜。因此寂寞或是不开心时，他们通常也是一个人躲起来一言不发，不去理睬任何人，并且不希望被其他人打扰。大家平时看到的他们并不是真正的他们，他们总是在掩饰自己，自己也不明白这到底是有意还是无意的。

他们的心事通常不会跟任何人讲，即便你刨根问底也徒劳无功，只有当他们愿意倾诉的时候，他们才会告诉他们知心的朋友，通常这种机会很少。他们对大多的人、事、物都不怎么在乎，好象是以冷眼观世的态度活在这世上的，即便当他们非常在意某人某事的时候，他们也不会在他人面前轻易表现出来。

许多人蔑视双子，那是因为他们不了解双子，双子的真诚与执著我个人认为是其他人都望尘莫及的，双子想要做一件事不在乎其他人的感觉，双子对待别人虽然不甚亲切，然而即便厌恶你的时候也不轻易表露，他们的承受能力惊人的大，可是又有谁会明白他们心中的苦闷。正如有些人说的，生活真的很不容易，又何必再给他人增加烦恼。

如果哪位达人理解双子的话，那他会明白双子其实在寻找一个孤寂的世界，把自己一个人埋没于此，不让任何人知道，因为双子不愿意看到有人为自己伤心，他们的苦他们愿意一个人承担。

Gosh.

2010-06-30T00:05:00.003+08:00

I think I'm suffering from Internet addiction. Erps. What a period of time to be getting that huh. DAMN IT. I need to get off the comp. NAO.

Scraped through Econs today. Hurhur. Because its an Arts subject I felt like I could still crap something out (even if it sounds more like GP than Econs), but I'm officially screwed. Er especially for tomorrow. Chemistry. Where even an addition C or a wrongly placed OH matters. WTF?!

Sorry, I just had to express my anger and frustration.

Now, why didn't I take Arts subjects? And no, Arts people, I'm not undermining your hard work and effort and intelligence, but because I, as an individual, can only pray hard for myself to make some sense. Oh, which I absolutely need, as of now.

Tonight, I'm really not going to sleep. Contrary to what I said yesterday night, I had a good night sleep last night. Which is really shameful, seeing how much I've studied for Econs. Which means tonight, if I still manage to sleep in peace, I'm an asshole. Period.

Can someone come over to my house and smash my laptop for me? (Just leave that hard disk alone okay.) First, I'll get over downloading. Second, I'll have an excuse to get a new laptop to replace this sorry thing. Maybe its because of all the torture I cause it. Like, 30+ Chrome tabs at once (including Youtube videos and download sites.) I'm surprised it hasn't entirely died on me yet. Although its pushed me very far to my limits recently, I'm almost tempted to slam it on the floor, but its still serving me well. Its been surviving for what, 5 to 6 years? Gosh. I need a new computer. And a proper desktop this time. With a tablet.

Haha fat hope. Unless money drops from the sky.

Okay here's the stop of this mundane and redundant post. Finally off to study Chem. AHHHHHHH

Oh my.

2010-06-28T22:52:00.002+08:00

I'm so dead. Oops. Sorry to all my teachers in advance. (I really don't have the heart and drive to mug. Freak.)

I've done nothing today. What the. I'm screwed for these two weeks, I tell you. and the weeks and months after. This is worrying.

Uncertainty. Of course, I want to do that, I've planned it out. But the future seems bleak when my mum says that sort of thing. Come on, you think I've not thought about it before? I'm not as dependent as you see me to be.

I'm spending way too much on albums. Ordered some stuff online. Haha like repackaged Bonamana and CNBlue's Bluelove. I want NU ABO. :( Any kind soul buy it for me?

And let me rant awhile. F(x) is kind of underrated here.

Damn. I wanna watch WGM ): GO GU MA!! Haha maybe subs will be out soon. Hopefully, as promised. And Khuntoria. Wahas.

Okay I need to pull an all-nighter. I'm such an ass.

Virtual.

2010-06-24T02:44:00.002+08:00

Watching shows the past few nights on Youtube. Was watching We Got Married, Yong Hwa and Seo Hyun cuts. Haha, my goodness, they're so cute! She's one of a kind and he's an ultimate gentleman. Seriously! You've got to watch it to believe it. (: I'll bet all the girls want him as a husband. (:

Catching up on past episodes and I'm really facinated by Kangin. Hahaha. He's absolutely funny and charming.

And besides fangirling, I haven't done much. I dread to think about this.

I've been thinking about something all this while, but I don't know how things are going to turn out. I know its a risky path. Its going to be tough; I've never expected it to be easy. But how do I convince them that I'm mature enough to decide on my own? The situation is somehow getting similar to last year's. But I know I won't slip in again. Because I know its not going to help. Just because situations are like that, does not mean I will have to react that way.

Its scary. Really. Knowing what you've been studying is happening right now is traumatizing.

Sigh.

I don't know whether they're doing this on purpose. But its despicable to make use of such a situation to your own advantage. I don't care what people say, but I despise that. Don't force me to do things I don't wish to do; don't put me in such a spot.

In 1 year's time, where will you be?

In 5 year's time, where will you be?

In 10 year's time, where will you be?

Dreams.

Faith.

Will I be where I want to be?

Paranoid.

2010-06-21T01:10:00.002+08:00

Freak. There's like, an ant nest or something in my room. There's a thousand and one ants crawling all over the place and its pissing the hell out of me. I feel like there's ants crawling all over me; sometimes there really are ants, sometimes its just me being paranoid.

All sorts of rubbish.

I'm gonna end up eating ants in my sleep. I think its time to tape my mouth shut, literally.

I see more ants. There's nothing sweet, what on earth are you looking for?!

Not in a wonderful mood.

Get out of my sight.

Anyway, was at Jurong Point and they were having auditions for One Moment of Glory (OMG). Er, I'll choose to ignore the originality of the name. But there was this card-throwing guy who was damn cool. He shot a card up to Starbucks where I was at. And he freaking cut a celery with a card. Amazing.

All right. Bed time.

人。

2010-06-20T20:18:00.002+08:00

开始真正的主题之前，先解释为何要用中文写文。我发现，过了太久没用中文，真的会‘生锈’，丢脸得很。我可能会得罪很多人，但是我认为华人不会说华语，是一件可悲的事。不肯珍惜、欣赏中华文化更是。现在的我，虽然认识到这点，可自认中文程度还不到家，总有些遗憾。真后悔小时候没这种感慨，未有想过深入了解中华文化，到现在才想从头学起，恐怕为时已晚。虽说活到老学到老，但少了基础，步步坎坷。

对不起，那只是对自己的无知感到惋惜，绝无他意。

刚过了十八岁，突然觉得，经历了好多事，看过了好多人。忘了是谁说的；十八岁代表已经过了人生的四分之一，想一想，还真没错。真恐怖。中间，喜欢的人，讨厌的人，看多了。

近来发生了一件让我火大的事，想了都有点想吐。虽然我很想用这篇文章泄愤，但还是免了，有点懒。气得想骂粗话。唉。

不想写了。好虚伪的感觉。

‘常问自己，到底在找寻什么，在追什么，却没一个让自己满意的答案。’

‘最终还不是要死，追屁啦。假仙。这是此时此刻的答案，说不定就成了最好的答案（对我来说）。’悲观，但至少诚实。

最近脑里常有类似的对话，我看是坏掉了。恨死自己了。

LOVE!

2010-06-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

Awesomeness! PLUGGED IN! :D

MINHYUK IS OWNING BIG TIME. Haha Please glue your eyes to him while he twirls the drum sticks like its attached to his hand. *Squeals* Look at 2:50! ><>

And surprisingly I'm getting use to Yonghwa's 'alot' of gestures. He looks more natural this time round compared to I'm a Loner. Haha Especially love the 'L' thing he does and the clap. (: The thing he does at 'break it now' is cool too. (Nice hands help. (: )

They've got uber nice hands, I must add. (:

And its their birthdays soon. Haha coolness.

But this is seriously awesome, so please watch, no matter you're a fan or not. (Because you'll become one after watching, anyway. >< )

f(x)! Amber has an ankle injury. Get well soon! Though she still looks hot just sitting on that chair.

Off to watch more videos. (:

士为知己者死心慕红颜而生

2010-06-17T00:43:00.002+08:00

《金牌冰人》中的经典名句。看了那么多遍，还是会会心一笑。每个人大概都憧憬剧中那种，套句剧中的台词，‘天荒地老，此情不老’ 的爱情吧。又或者，人们都认为太过梦幻、浪漫、不切实际。我的文笔不好，写不出一篇好的剧评，但这部戏值得一看，多过一看也说不定。看完了真向往一场美丽的邂逅。

美丽缘份（主题曲）

真爱遇上真心
喜结美丽缘份
花放并蒂天公设计
认真相配合衬

古语谓美妙婚姻(美妙婚姻)
都结聚千世恩(千世恩)

一对情侣一生作伴侣
有因先会合衬

快乐两份有困难也两份分
美梦变真两个人变一家亲
是同命鸟像连理树
两颗心互相牵引

一个是好逑君子(系君子)
一个是精彩女人(精彩女人)
天撮合了好一对绝配
比鸳鸯更合衬

乍看之下可能不明白意思吧，但是看戏时肯定觉得词真的是非常搭。戏中的诗词，也让人耳目一新（虽然让我有时一头雾水，因为真的不懂是什么意思，还要上网查；中文程度真是糟糕啊。）但是看了戏之后很想更深入了解诗的含义，所以到处爬文，总算略知一二，但还是很可惜中文造化还是不及别人，似懂非懂。

我还真喜欢看古装剧呢。脱离现实的一种方式吧！真有点向往古代人的生活。唉。

Over.

2010-06-16T19:32:00.001+08:00

Phew. So Game On just ended, which is a great relief to all of us. After months of struggling and dealing with all sorts of shit, we're over and done with it.

And I'm tired.

Last trip there ever. Damn. I feel like a maid.

Sleep.

Post Birthday Post.

2010-06-12T00:52:00.002+08:00

Haha I just realised what a joke the title is.

And thanks everyone. :D I'm feeling loved. :)

And my birthday..uh..went by just like any other day. All right, I shall not discount the fact that I did not do any work today. (Oh just like the past 3 days. Guh..)

But I indeed spent 1 hour+ squeezing with smelly people at PC Show. (Okay, to be fair, I'm sure I was smelly too.) And its a freaking Friday. Haha good luck to those going tomorrow or Sunday. Oh wait, I need to make a trip there again tomorrow. Gosh.

Bought a hard disk for my com. A permanent external hard disk so I can move some of my files out and free up some memory. And I kind of need one more, because this one I'm using now is filling up fast. :P

And to sidetrack a little, I just saw two fat lizards in my room. Traumatizing, please.

Going Malaysia tomorrow. How fun. I'll be happily studying in the hotel.

Anyway, being 18 feels..surreal. Haha.

Anyway, its 2. I shall go sleep.

An end, a start.

2010-05-24T20:51:00.002+08:00

Been a while since I last blogged.

A lot happened over the past weeks. So season ended off well, and I'm extremely proud of them. (:

With an end comes a new start. In many sense; the new season, A levels, new team, everything. Its like someone pressed a reset button. Thankfully the file's been saved. (: Work hard, everyone!

I'm not making sense, but whatever.

Instead of mugging for Bio, I just read Until Death Do Us Part. Its interesting. Okay I don't make it sound much of an excitement, but it really is. Go read it.

I'm feeling philosophical today. If I have time later I'll blog more. For now, its Chem.

This is it.

2010-05-21T00:53:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's our big day. (:

Having a splitting headache trying to write notes. I'm out of brain juice. And I need sleep. Roar.

Just saw nominations list for Golden Melody Award. A CHORD! :D He's got real talent! HAPPY :)

My face is in a disastrous state. And my mum refuses to do anything about it. Rah.]

SLEEEEEEP.

NU ABO. :)

2010-05-17T23:31:00.001+08:00

LOVE AMBER'S HAIR. :D

Math and Chem time!

Fangirling.

2010-05-17T00:36:00.004+08:00

As in the title. Fangirling like mad the past three days or so. With all the dancing, I swear I'm gonna twist some part of my body soon. Feeling stiff all over. I especially feel for my foot. Gosh.

f(x)! :D Amber! :D From what I know, she has a really wide fangirl base, including yours truly. (:

Okay. I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow is the day I die. I haven't done a single piece of work over the weekends. DAMNIT.

Why don't they show Inkigayo here? I WANNA SEE NU ABO ON THE BIG SCREEN AND NOT ON THE PATHETIC SMALL WINDOW YOUTUBE SHOWS (with low quality somemore.) Roar.

What if.

2010-05-15T10:42:00.002+08:00

Blog-worthy news of today: WE GOT INTO FINALS! :D I'm extremely proud of the team. (: With my limited vocabulary, I can't begin to talk about how elated I am. :D

A lot of what-ifs. But just know, it never happened.

I absolutely hate someone to the core. I fucking don't want to give you face already.

Angry.

2010-05-11T20:18:00.002+08:00

Besides the horrendous moodswings I'm going through in the span of today (sorry, people) I am extremely angry with someone, and I will spew the f-word if I could. But I can't.

Not the first time.

How can you be so fucking irresponsible? Its like, its none of your business at all. Don't give us the crap that you're busy, you've forgotten or whatever shit excuses you can bloody hell come up with. Honestly, you don't even have the decency to tell us in the first place. If you were really busy, you could have preempted us so we could take over what you couldn't do. But what the fuck, you just act like nothing's the matter until its too late then you come and hound us. I disrespect that kind of attitude, especially when it comes from someone older than me.

And in this one week, it happened TWICE. If you count the last two weeks, probably even more than that.

I'm feeling extremely murderous and I can't even be bothered to type grammatically correctly because I am super pissed. Don't act all high and mighty when you don't even know shit about things.

Really had to get it out of my system. I've heard other people, whom I've never heard ever before, scolding the f-word because of this. What bullshit is this.

On to a lighter note. Econs lecture test and Bio SPA is over! :D Bio SPA was actually fun, as compared to doing retarded things like counting bubbles or whatever retarded things we used to do. The moment I slid the gel into the staining dye it was like, LIBERATION. Haha I was so afraid I'll break the gel (which is 'concrete in agarose terms', quoting directly from Mr. Khairul).

Shall go do Chemistry tutorial. (: I am motivated to work hard. And it starts NOW. The six month battle with the 'A' monster. :)

Update.

2010-05-09T14:05:00.001+08:00

Well, basically updated designs and such. And I did complete the Famine Camp shirt design. (:

Leaving for dance.

Feel.

2010-05-09T00:13:00.002+08:00

So much for productivity. I've been doing things at my own pace so far and I have to admit, although I'm getting by (barely), I think I won't be in time.

Its amazing, how I manage to keep up this argument with myself. It ends up nowhere.

I've considered how tough its going to be, and I won't say I'm not afraid.

I'm quite similar to him, in our way of thinking, I guess. That's nice to hear.

I think I just need more positivity. Like, self-love.

A topic each, just to get by. How nice.

I'm getting sick of the internal struggle. But I'm not doing anything about it.

Well. Its been a while since the last abstract post, so there.

TGIF..soon.

2010-05-06T23:03:00.004+08:00

Actually, I haven't exactly gone through Friday, but I'm rather happy, because weekends are coming. That's all you look forward to in J2, seriously. I haven't started extensive mugging yet, which is .. relatively bad.

I'm feeling rather unproductive today. Okay, besides the Eiffel tower which I think is superb, thanks to Wai Yee, Ying Ling and Xin Yi and alot of other people who helped poke holes and paint and stick. (: And I'm sorry I'm such a perfectionist regarding some stuff. ><>

And I'm damn excited, because I won a Swatch watch. Haha. From CAN Pledge. (:

I think it looks not too bad okay. But my tag hasn't been approved. :( And I need to collect by 20th. :( I hope I get purple.

Haha I'm damn irritating, I know.

And I'm quite brain dead after ICS2 summary. Planned to complete probability, but forget it. Tomorrow's class assignment is screwed.

Seeing physio tomorrow. Hopefully its nothing. Damn foot.

Tomorrow's a busy day. Shall sleep early. Its 11.18pm! Oh wait I want to watch show. :P BYE!

Making Love Out of Nothing At All.

2010-05-02T10:09:00.000+08:00

I know just how to whisper

And I know just how to cry

I know just where to find the answers

And I know just how to lie

I know just how to fake it

I know just how to scheme

I know just when to face the truth

And then I know just when to dream

I know just where to touch you

I know just what to prove

I know when to pull you closer

I know when to let you loose

And I know the night is fading

And I know the time's gonna fly

And I'm never gonna

tell you everything I've gotta tell you

But I know I've gotta give it a try

And I know the roads to riches

And I know the ways to fame

I know all the rules and then I know how to break'em

And I always know the name of the game

But I don't know how to leave you

And I'll never let you fall

And I don't know how you do it

Making love out of nothing at all

Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all

Everytime I see you all the rays of the sun

are all streaming through the waves in your hair

And every star in the sky

is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight

The beating of my heart is a drum and it's lost

and it's looking for a rhythm like you

You can take the darkness from the pit of the night

And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright

I've gotta follow it 'cause everything I know

Well, it's nothing 'till I give it to you

I can make the runner stumble

I can make the final block

and I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle

Make all the stadiums rock

I can make tonight forever

Or I can make it disappear by the dawn

I can make you every promise that has ever been made

And I can make all your demons be gone

But I'm never gonna make it without you

Do you really wanna see me crawl

And I'm never gonna make it like you do

Making love out of nothing at all

Out of nothing at all, out of nothing at all

Eden.

2010-04-29T21:53:00.002+08:00

I guess I'm pretty insistent about using Eden, huh. I don't have any extraordinary reasons for doing so, actually. I can't even be bothered to think of a beautiful, fictitious story to justify it, but I just like to think, what is it really like to be there.

Anyway, that kind of dawned on me because I realised that on IE, words on my blog are really small. Especially Chinese. So yea, tweaked the template a little, now it looks better.

用中文，用上瘾了。最近说话也常用华语；也不是说平常没在用华语沟通，是比较频繁就对了。这整个星期，好累。异常地累。有种什么都不想做的感觉。每天都在盼望周末的到来，很没意义，不是吗？

很想自己去看部电影。我觉得那是一件很幸福的一件事。对，我就是那么古怪。但我觉得，自己，没什么不好的啊。每个人都需要有自己的空间，自己的时间。可能是独生女的关系，我习惯了‘自己’的感觉。

有点在语无伦次了，感觉有点累。

最近超想骂粗话的，也不知道为什么。总之有很多事发生，而且，我也不是以前的那个乖小孩了。现在不玩，要等到几时？

睡了。半夜再起来吧。终于熬到星期五了。TGIF.

成长必经的过程。

2010-04-28T00:26:00.003+08:00

好久没用中文打文章了，还蛮想念在课堂上写作文的那种感觉。就算文笔不好，还是硬要装成很懂的样子，很小孩吧。

其实我应该睡了，但还是很想打文章。说真的，没什么特别的意义。

和队友看了《艋舺》。好热血的一部电影！我不常看电影，也不会评论一部电影是好是坏，但我真的很喜欢这部电影。帅哥是原因之一，但不是最重要的啦。它给了我一种很真实的感觉；虽然我根本没看过80年代的风貌，但从这部片稍微能感受到生活在那时代的感觉。而且我觉得它带出了很多主题，而这些主题的交集点对我来说很深刻。总之，我只能说，我还想再看一次，再感受一次那份热血，我想我不管看几次都不会累。

其实我在这几天，或者说这几个礼拜，想了很多。球队的事，课业，Faculty（我真的很想知道这翻译成什么），家庭，自己，朋友。换个方式说，我何时不在想这些事嘛，真是的。有痛，有血，有泪，有笑，有伤，有怒，有恨，有爱，还有很多东西，其实都是我们都经历过的。就如标题，全都是成长所必经的过程。总觉得，有了这些，才会感觉到自己真正存在，这不只是个很长很长的梦。我在博客上说过，在我很小的时候，常问妈妈我是不是活在梦里，是不是有一天睡着的人醒来了，我就会消失不见。小时候也很喜欢想，人死了到底会怎么样；是不是还有意识，只不过不能的动，还是会到另外一个地方去，或者就消失不见。

长大了，其实还是会思考这个问题，但不同的是，想着想着，总会把自己拉回现实，责备自己，干吗想那么无聊的东西，好好过日子不就好了。也对啦。但说真的我还是很好奇。

其实人人常挂在嘴边的“意义”，到底是什么？套句《艋舺》里的话，“意义是三小，你老爹只听过义气，没听过意义啦！” 可是那不是重点啦。但人们常说，要找人生的意义，可那到底是什么啊？因人而异，我知道，但是我们朝向的，不就是一条路吗？路虽然是自己选的，终点还不是一样。

我发觉我是个很忧郁、很悲观的人。但那也只限于人生观吧。我待人处事的态度还是挺积极、乐观的。之中的反差，我也不了解，更不想去了解。简直是无痛抓痒嘛。其实想一想，我也没想象中那么乐观。可能别人看起来是这么一回事，但谁知道我独自一个人时是在想什么。但我不喜欢把悲伤挂在脸上。别人碰触到伤疤，狠狠地在上面划多一刀，我也宁愿笑着面对他，在私底下哭泣。不管有意或无意，这对我来说也是疗伤的过程吧。

Wai Yee told me before, I'm not easy to read. 当时我否定了她，但想一想，其实那是真的。我很少把真正的感情透露出来，把心中的感觉摆在脸上。表面上很随和。。。吧。至少我是这么认为。

谈了很多，也还有很多东西想说，但我再不睡，明天就完了。

可能会有很多人认为，我很“假”。Act cheem. 我不知道。可能我也这么认为把。

题外话-我房间要变蚂蚁窝了！恶心死了。

可能这几天还会心血来潮，在打几篇中文文章。没想特别让人看，想为自己生活做个记录罢了。

Heart.

2010-04-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

Dance lesson was fun today. Felt like I've got zero coordination though. Haha, probably cause the instructor made it look damn easy and all of us were just short of looking like we were doing agogo dance moves. But his choreography was fun. (: I kind of think I saw our previous instructor from YMCA there.

And my resolution is FAIL. Working on the Eiffel Tower. I'm worried that I can't complete by Wednesday. I'll try!

I need sleeeeeeeep. And elevation for my ankle. Its bloody three weeks and its still swollen. Damn.

Yawn.

Stereotype Party! :D

2010-04-24T01:12:00.003+08:00

I really really really LOVE Apollo! :D ESPECIALLY FAC COMMMMMMMM! :D We are so going Adelaide! Good job I/Cs and of course the entire fac comm!

I'm in a relatively delirious mood now, cause its 1 freaking am. And I'm tired. But Fac outing was really fun and I hope all those who came enjoyed themselves. (:

Had great fun dressing as an ah lian. I think its in me. Lol.

Woo. Okay SLEEP.

Netball.

2010-04-20T22:49:00.002+08:00

Okay, so it starts tomorrow. :) I'm relatively excited, as compared to how I felt before. Maybe it was typing that season preview post. Go see it okay! I think I sound overly excited with the spammage of exclamation marks.

I hope my Eiffel Tower turns out well. :S Please pray hard for me.

I think my ankle's getting worse lately, must have been walking too much. Its a lot less swollen, but it hurts like hell. Must be no more cushioning from the swelling, haha.

I'm feeling fat! HELP!

Resolution for the rest of the year: SLEEP AT 11PM!

Which means now. So good night!

Ownage.

2010-04-11T16:41:00.004+08:00

My ankle in its full glory. Well. I can only think of the word 'fat' when I see it. Or fat and purple. Haha. I bet inside is some mass of blood or something.

Playing DS games for the entire day. Completed some Kindaichi game. Now playing Trauma Centre. Haha its bloody difficult. I failed a surgery like 4 times in a row. Lol.

Anyway, my knee is starting to ache from sitting too much. Only the right apparently, IDK why.

Back to playing.

Meant.

2010-04-10T22:47:00.002+08:00

I'm utterly disgusted by the looks of my ankle. Its double the size of the other + extremely horrible bruise. I think my blood flows and clots too easily or something.

And to put it straightforwardly, I didn't get into the team.

But I don't actually want to say anything here. If I'm comfortable with you, I'll tell you.

Went for Huang Cheng. I liked it. (: Especially the last story. The second one, I'm sorry, got me disagreeing slightly. The first one was not bad too, but parts of it was slightly contradictory (to me.) And since I'm no qualified theater critique, I think I'm in no position to er..critic it. But those are just how I felt.

I'm sorry, Wai Yee, that outburst was a little sudden.

No matter how much I prepared myself beforehand, when the news actually hits, I just can't control myself. And doesn't help that she made it sound like she was really sorry about it, when I feel like just telling her, cut the crap, do I look like I don't know?

Ahh. I'm in a mess now. Shall sleep early and wake up early to do work. WORK HARD FOR As FOR As! :D So cute right.

SMILE!

Well.

2010-04-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

Haha. What a joke. After all my damn self talk and encouragement and whatever shit I have to offer to myself, I sprain my ankle in a friendly. First quarter. The quarter right after she said she's going to base the selections on this game. Mm, FML, honestly.

But I guess the way of telling myself how much I'd rather be playing on court. No matter how much I grumble and swear and bitch and complain about, I still want to be there, albeit suffering, but enjoying it. Contradictory, I know, but I think all of us feel this way, if not we won't be fighting so hard for a place on the team.

It kind of woke me up though, that things never always go as how you have planned it out to be.

I guess yesterday was a premonition of this, since my dad was ranting on about how I can't protect myself and walk properly for nuts; I just keep bruising myself all over my legs, its like I can't walk on my two feet properly. I'm starting to suspect there's something wrong too, seeing as how I am always bruising myself.

Anyway. Trip to the doctor's was..kind of mundane until this exciting and happening thing happened. Haha. If you want to know you can come and ask me. I'll be glad to share, even though I only know bits of the story. But it was kind of a real-life drama; a good distraction from the CNA channel on the TV (though it wasn't too bad as well). Yea. Almost $200. Piang. I don't care the school better give me back my money. -.-

I think adults are..I don't even know what adjective to use to describe. Haha. Or maybe its just these people, my dad would agree. He was there with me. Well. Just weird, I guess.

Oh I need to go do some stuff before I sleep.

Overly exciting day. Not in a good sense.

Gross.

2010-04-07T15:11:00.002+08:00

My music is blasted at full volume through in-ear earphones. And I can STILL hear the damn drilling from upstairs and its driving me nuts. Doesn't help that I already feel like puking, even without the noise pollution.

Not in school today. Would rather be though. Considering how difficult it is to live through the damn noise.

Not doing too well. I really don't want to go back to that period of time, but I feel myself slipping off unconsciously. No. I don't want to. Help me.

I think I've been..unstable? I don't know, I'm getting a little more delirious than usual with all that drilling; I swear its going to my head, pun fully intended.

Netball has been on my mind fully these days, good or bad, I have no idea. I'm excited about seasons, really, I am. No matter how much I complain and swear, I still want to play. I still want to be out there on the court fighting for all of us. I hope I'm of some use at least. I'm becoming more and more useless. And cowardly.

I don't know what my heart really wants. I need like, around an hour to self-talk before a training. Which is really draining. And explains why I look like some zombie before training. I know I keep saying I want to give up, but I know I will not. And I have to struggle to keep me going. Its..tiring. And the next day I'm utterly drained.

Freak. I'm not even good enough as a player myself.

And I go through it over and over again before I go on court. Keep telling myself I can do it, keep convincing myself that I'm needed, keep reprimanding myself for lowering my own self-worth.

And it hurts like hell.

Because no matter how much I try to convince myself, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. Yet I keep fighting and fighting just to resist the urge to give up everything. I think about the people I'm letting down and I'm forced to keep going on. Teammates who are working just as hard on court, teammates who are sitting on the sidelines cheering us on. I know I can't let them down. Yet I feel like I'm too weak for them to rely on me.

Okay I really need to stop. Its dragging me down even more.

Got to get some panadol. Urk.

Interesting.

2010-03-29T02:06:00.002+08:00

Sleeping hours have been irregular lately. Well, my habit, I guess.

Just thought I had to blog this. And write it in my book.

Saw a review on a comic that actually made me think. Quite a bit. Quoting directly, "Friends? Lovers? Whatever. It strikes me as a much more genuine relationship based on human connections rather than preconceived social categories."

Mm. Kinda contradicts itself, doesn't it? But the phrase 'preconceived social categories' does strike me. Seems like so, huh.

We are friends. Close friends? Mm, what do you classify as one?

We are lovers. Oh? How long? Mm, when do you start counting from?

We are a family. A tight-knit one? Mm, how do you measure that?

I think humans are a weird bunch. They spend their entire life trying to organise things; themselves, their surroundings, nature, everything. Wow. Things we do to show we're in control. Of our earth, of our world, of our country, of our subordinates, of our lives. Of course, with such obsession with trying to classify all things on earth, I can understand the frustrations of having grey areas.

But think about it. If there weren't such grey areas, wouldn't there be nothing to debate about?

Haha. I think we're weird. We classify things to the best of our abilities, yet we're findings ways to show that things are not that absolute, to show that we have different views. Ironic, isn't it?

If I could tag this post, it would be under 'mindless ramblings'. Which isn't too bad, because this is the only place I get to ramble off and get away with it.

Maybe not. I probably look stupid. Hahaha. There's a price to pay, yea?

Tsuruga Ren is LOVEEEEEEE.

2010-03-28T01:44:00.002+08:00

Okay, I know, I've harped over this a long time ago. But I went back to reread some chapters and he is still as hot. (: His gaze is intense, man. >< *MELTS*

On a manga reading craze.

Too excited about Tsuruga Ren, I just had to blog, even if its 3am in the morning. ><

All right. SLEEP!

Last paper to go.

2010-03-25T23:36:00.002+08:00

Call me crazy, but I'm kinda addicted to having tests. Or more likely, the early release. Its been, what, a hundred million years since I've managed to get home before 1pm. Miraculous, I would say.

To be honest, I haven't studied hard for this block test. I know, I always end up slacking and whining about it at the end.

I think I'm falling sick. Damn.

Chem paper was plain gross. I can't see the point of studying for it when it doesn't make a damn difference.

I feel like just sleeping and not giving a care. Haha. But like real I'll be able to do that.

Back to Bio.

Outlook.

2010-03-24T01:34:00.002+08:00

Been reading Godhand Teru. It's a beautiful piece of work, seriously. I don't know how to put it, but it just makes you feel fired up to work towards what you want to achieve. Its extremely inspiring and touching. I think this is the first time I've cried reading a comic.

Well. Which means I haven't been studying very hard.

I feel like I have no drive to study. (Damn, after the talk about Godhand Teru, this is absolutely unconvincing.) I don't want to give myself any excuses, I just keep doing that. But I'm stuck in this self-loathing cycle that can't seem to be stopped. I feel like I'm not cut out to be who I am now. As a matter of fact, I'm screwing up badly.

I can't study, I can't play netball, I can't do all these shit I'm supposed to do.

I know this term is going to be hell. It was a good break over the holidays, but its going to be hell now.

I can't believe it. I can't believe I've met someone who made me hate something I used to love so much. I've lost all my conviction. To think I came in so sure of what I wanted. To think I had such high hopes. To think I had such optimism, that it was going to get better when I came into HC. I guess I got my hopes too high. That's why I'm falling. Falling hard on my face.

And I know its not going to get easier, whether its in here, or after I get out of here. Nothing is easy in life, of course I know that. And everyone around me are pushing as hard or maybe even harder to reach somewhere.

And when you reach a point where you actually have to think, 'what am I doing this for?', you've steered away from that path. Because you realise that the answer no longer comes naturally to you. You find that you need to think, before you can reach a conclusion, a conclusion which may have seemed so clear at the start.

That's how I feel. Saturated, you call it? Or maybe not. Confused, lost, more like it.

I don't care who reads this blog. But I hate trainings now. I can't decide for myself whether I hate netball, I can only conclude that, I've lost my love for it. Like I said, my conviction's gone..uh, with the track. Call me weak, to be defeated just like that. I admit I'm weak. The smile and cheerful tone I have to show before a run is killing me. Fuck, I wish I could just swear and rebel and not do it. But I've got no guts to do it. I don't want to let them down. I'd rather screw up my own brain than do that. Everyone's fighting as hard, if not harder. How can I bear to disappoint them.

And I don't think its just the runs that made me this way. Damn, its not like I've never ran before. Its just..well, you know. I don't even need to say.

Maybe Mrs Goh is right. (Which reminds me, I haven't talked to her for what, months?) I'm stuck in a triangle. And I can't get out. Oh guess what, I think I'm in a square instead. Maybe no one understood what that meant, but, that's kind of the way it is.

Maybe that's why I moved back to my parents' room. I'm scared of what I think of when I'm alone. I recall trainings, I recall instructions, I recall scoldings, I recall expectations. Expectations I'm supposed to reach. Expectations I can't reach. Expectations I don't even want to try reaching. Expectations that don't give a damn about what I feel and stay there like its nailed.

I'm a person who thinks a lot on my own. Too much, in fact. I think a lot of people know that. I hate myself for that. I wish I was as happy-go-lucky as I looked. Or at least, I think I look.

God, I'm in such a mess right now. I've got so much on my mind I can't even think straight. I wish I could pull out my head to stop it from throbbing.

I hate myself.

So much for starting the post on a positive note. Apparently that change in outlook was temporary.

Training Camp.

2010-03-16T23:44:00.002+08:00

Piang. I'm damn shacked now. And my butt hurts. I've told that to, half a million people. Actually no, just Qing Ying and Jie Min, repeated probably half a million times.

Anyway. So today was start of training camp. If I were to blog about it I probably won't get to sleep. But anyway. After meticulous calculations by Jie Min and I, we've come up with the great figure of almost 5km today, simply counting runs. Meaning no court play lah. At this rate we'll probably clock a half marathon in these 3 days.

I bet trackers are like, please, that's not even half of what we run. Oh but er, we're not trackers, if you haven't picked up on that fact yet. We play netball, and we run more on the track than we play the game. What's this?

Anyway. Tomorrow's PT day. Or PT morning, at the very least. Provided we don't do anymore sprints or suicides for warmup. Or cooldown. So ridiculous right.

Okay. Sleep time.

Dance.

2010-03-15T01:05:00.002+08:00

I admit, I'm no professional. Damn it, I don't even have dance as my CCA. I'm literally a noob, if you can say that. But I simply find solace in dancing. And I think that's all that matters.

I can foresee the following post will be vulgar. Like, more vulgar than my usual standards. Even if I tell you not to read, you will still read. So why bother?

With all that shit going on, I need to pull myself away. No, I'm not talking about getting away from studying. Honestly, that's the thing I care about the most right now. So is it for most of the people I know right now. But really, some people just don't get it. Or they refuse to get it.

I'm so sick and tired. I don't know how many times I must repeat this damned phrase. No one hears it anyway.

I'm so sick and tired of running track. Damn you. I haven't had a good rest last week; guess what, I was doing something related to netball everyday. Training 3 times a week, self training, runs. All while I was supposed to freaking study for blocks. Really, I can study.

"Even if we're not the best team, we'll be the fittest team." I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. I don't care if you see this. I don't oppose you outright, because at least I thought there's always something you can learn from somebody. And this statement still holds. But honestly, I don't give a damn about being the fittest team. Really, we'll get a medal for that.

I am damn pissed.

Partly over the fact that I myself couldn't reach under the timings for intervals. Which sucks. Sucks to the core.

I've got one more set of intervals to run. WTF. I'm not even going to say I have no time to run. I don't freaking WANT to run. I hate running so much I just want to burn down that damn track. (Forgot about trackers momentarily, sorry. Fine, just forbid us from going near the track.)

And it gets really uncontrollable. I just keep imagining the team without me. At least in my imagination it works out; I'm not a player they can't live without, we've got much better defenders (to someone's eyes as well.); I'm not even a captain they can't live without. Freak, I'm useless as one.

And I'm damn fucking tired of talking to her. Arguing with her. I don't know who's side she's on. She's probably aiming to become the school spokeswoman.

Then there's people going against each other. I can bitch a little, but you know I can't take any side. And it sucks when people who matter take sides. Do you know how subtle I need to make myself sound, when I try to convince you to just listen to her a little? Honestly, I don't care if you're fucking angry with her, but showing it is just...immature. Hypocritical, yes. Cause I'm telling you to just put up a show.

Sure, you don't care what she thinks. But its not that simple. What am I supposed to say, when she comes and ask me, 'any complaints?' Tell me, what am I supposed to say? I feel like a bitch when I have to say no. I honestly do. 'Just say no lah!' As cliched as it may sound after the GP comprehension, I feel guilty.

If a relationship has to be maintained on lies, I don't know how long such a relationship will last.

Funny how I came into Hwa Chong, dying to play netball. Gave up the chance to even try out for other CCAs. Having to put Fac. comm behind netball. Having to put my class behind netball. Having to put my studies behind netball.

I don't know what I'm sacrificing for. Even short-term wise. I know I'm not good enough to be the main 7. I don't even need to wait till then to know. And fuck, won't get in means won't get in, don't act all kind and console me by saying there's always a chance, how will I know if I haven't tried and I don't know what other shit people will feed me with. Damn you. I don't even want to try.

And long term sacrifice. Really, for what? Its not like I'm gonna become a professional player or coach or umpire; wake up.

Fuck my life.

Damn.

2010-03-09T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today was a not so good day. Well. Sitting in front of the com the entire day is bad for studies. I have concluded. Like, since long ago. I ended up doing some stupid design. Honestly, I should leave all these till after As.

I wanna go IT show. ): Maybe their tablets will be cheaper. ): BUT I REALLY NEED TO DO WORK. DAMNIT.

I hate school. Seriously.

Well.

2010-03-07T23:39:00.002+08:00

Whenever I blog, I'm inspired to type an absolutely emo or philosophical post but once I reach the post title I chicken out. Half the time, I'm troubled over what I should name this post. I have probably a dozen posts that have the same name just because I can't be bothered to go brainstorm of a witty title to call my post. Like really, who cares about the freaking title?! But every time I think that way, I get struck by the thought that I should not forgo the minority who do.

So it always ends this way: I get too sick and tired of coming up with a goddamn post title that I forget about blogging. Oh besides the 101 tabs opened at the side, each waiting for me to glance through and close. That's kind of the reason why I probably have 50 posts in drafts. Go figure.

Guess what? I'm starting to dread school. (Not like I haven't been dreading it for the past few years of my life. Actually.) I'm sure I'm not the only one. But yes, I'm not even feeling the stress of 'A's yet (Maybe its in my subconscious brain. Oh, like real.). We haven't started seasons yet, haven't gone through missing a few lessons every week and all that shit. But I'm feeling quite scared already. Damn it.

I realise I'm quite easily affected by things around me. Like, how every time I find something I can relate to, I'll feel this warm and fuzzy feeling. Oh, like, Are's dramafeste performance. I probably can't relate to the married part, of course (and I couldn't see the ending from where I was standing. I probably didn't see half the performance. I just took it as a radio show.). But I think the woman's side of the story is quite accurate. I kinda teared towards the end. Which is quite funny.

Anyway, that wasn't the main point.

I actually feel like talking about..friends today.

I don't admit I have a lot of friends. Acquaintances, more like it. And no, I don't think people who randomly add me on Facebook counts. Or people I add through email contacts. Damn, I don't even know who some of them are!

Kicking that aside, I just wanna talk about friends, like real people you see everyday. Or almost everyday. I personally find it difficult to maintain relationships. Or maybe its just me, because I can't be bothered to. I'm a really lazy person, as you can tell. Heartless, maybe? I envy people who can keep friends all the way from long long time ago. For one, I don't usually take initiative to do so. Because I feel like none of them know me. Yes, even people closest to me don't. But that's just human, isn't it? There's no way you can understand another person unless you've lived your life with that person. Wait, scrape that, maybe that isn't even enough.

No matter what, you can't see through their minds, know them inside out, predict their actions, or even know their secrets.

I think its really cool. Because what you show people is just what you WANT to show people. Or for some people, at least.

I don't think I've gone through a lot, to be able to share my life philosophy or what.

And I don't like to think. Like I said, I'm just plain lazy. I don't give a damn about critical thinking skills.

Anyway, back to 'friends'. How do you classify a good friend? I don't care how much it sounds like a GP question, if that's what you're thinking. And actually, I hate the politically correct answer, that "true friends are the ones that accept who you are." Oh then, honestly, I can't be anyone's true friend.

I'm an easily annoyed person. Especially if I know you very well. I can get absolutely annoyed with you over NOTHING. Nothing at all.

Perhaps my horoscope contribute to it; along with my nature of being easily bored. My attention span is probably of a kid's.

Anyway. I can't come up with a conclusion. Like I said, I hate to think. So I'll just leave you to your own conclusion.

Got to sleep. I think we're doing 2.4km for PE tomorrow. Damn it.

Oops.

2010-03-07T22:14:00.003+08:00

Took the entire weekend to nua. Damn me.

My life isn't probably half as bad as I how make it out to be. I just keep whining and whining and whining non-stop, don't I?

And it sucks to know that other people are going through much worse.

I know, don't compare right? But being a typical Singaporean, I just like to do that. I probably inherited that from my mum or something.

Helped out at Blaze carnival yesterday. Quite fun. :) Although I was a little scared asking the coaches to get their teams on court. Haha. Damn, and they're only primary school kids. They are good though! Saw this really sharp shooter. Haha.

Saw Ms Imelda too. Haven't seen her for a long time. Her team's good. (: Haha yes, the really sharp shooter. (:

Today, was another nua day spent reading comics and going for dance lesson. Damn.

Wanted to do some work, but apparently, its not possible at home.

I'm just so ill-disciplined.

Have been hooked on CNBlue lately. I think they're quite cool. (: Min Hyuk is uber cute. (: And him playing drums is just...dreamy. Haha.

Fireflies.

2010-03-03T01:48:00.002+08:00

I'm like, quite infatuated with that song currently.

Anyway. Tomorrow is start of school.

Actually. First term has been rather slack. Honestly. We just keep having holidays.

And I should go sleep. Training tomorrow.

Roar.

Lol.

2010-03-02T22:23:00.002+08:00

All right. Before I go tackle the damn Bio and Math HBL.

Its bloody retarded. ><>

Anyway. Made money and spent them today. :) All right. Work work.

会到的。

2010-02-28T23:39:00.007+08:00

读了一篇感人的短文。其实，别人可能不会有同样的感触，因为坦白说它其实很普通。但我似乎看到了我的目标；就在这漫长路上的尽头。

最近感到很迷惘；提不起精神，笑容也是勉强的。我不要这样，这样真的好累、好累。

常想，是不是我太弱了？为什么别人能这么坚强，我却这么脆弱？真的很不甘心。我也很想做到最好，但是怎么什么事都做不好。是我不够努力吗？是我不够好吗？为什么我就是做不来？

这几个星期来，上课都是白费的。讲堂上，上课时都在睡。

我常说，当一个人踏入战场，他最初想到的不会是‘输’。

但最近，我好像没履行这句话。真讨厌这样的自己。说了却没做。那不是和那些大人都一样吗。（突然想起了谢和弦的歌）

课业，球队，梦想。真的好难平衡。

我是‘怕输’吗？干吗一直比较？干吗一直说，“为什么别人做得到，自己就做不到？”

是自己以前自信心太高吗？为什么明明觉得自己快不行了，还一直想，“我一定能做到”？

这些是为了鼓励自己吗？还是欺骗自己，让自己以为自己有在努力？

那天，我为当队长的事苦恼了一个下午；失望了，伤心了，哭了。

慧仪问我，“你有尽力了吗？”

我回答，“没有。”

“那就哭吧。因为如果有尽力了，就不应该哭。”

我大哭了。我总感觉，该做的有太多太多了，我却没有做，只是一味地等别人做。我没有尽到以队长该负的责任。我从被委任开始就知道，我不可能比上一届的队长好，但我说服自己，说只要我尽力，别人就一定看得到。但我看起来，没有在尽力吧？我自己也这么觉得。

Sharon最近说了，身为一个领袖，如果对自己没有信心，真么能让自己的团队对自己有信心呢？一针见血吧。只不过我不是在为是否进入校队而烦恼。这不代表我认为自己肯定能入选，这只不过代表我就算落选了也不会感到特别难过。这是真的。但是，而且是个很大的但是（抱歉，英文直接翻译，因为没办法用别的方式形容了），只有当我不是队长，这才能成立。所以总结一目了然。

我担心的是，我没有能力激发别人。Inspire. Motivate. 我无法做到。我只不过是个认为’管好自己就行’的人。自己努力就好，别人不肯努力，我却不知道该怎么说。当然，有些人会说，这些事情不需要用言语传达，用自己的行动也行。

芊文当天的确是这么说的。

但是你知道吗，我并没有努力到一种让人敬佩的程度。我不是球队上基础最好的球员，不是跑最快的球员，不是最厉害的防守，不能给最好的建议。怎么让人觉得我配得上呢？

我接下工作时，当然知道会有很大的压力；学姐的期望，球员的期望，教练的期望，老师的期望。我甚至不断认为副队长做得比我还好；她是个更好的球员，更能说话的球员，更会鼓励的球员。

好了。不应该继续贬低自己，虽然脑海中还是不断重复这些话。

对了。回到我刚看到的故事。提醒了我，有梦想，有目标是一件好事。

和那些不知道的人说，我其实很想念美术哦！中三时因为课业，打球，理事会，（其实大多是因为打球，因为开课时正是比赛期间，没上很多堂课，也没时间补课，就放弃了），念不成美术，真的有点惋惜。所以现在的目标，只不过是想考完‘A’水准考试，报读Lasalle.

应该有很多人觉得我很笨吧。其实我也这么觉得。

妈最近问我，为什么不在中四的时候说呢？

很对不起她，但我必须这么说。如果我在当时跟她说，又能改变什么？难不成她会让我放弃华中，到美术学院读书？哈！想得太美了吧。

大人们总是这样呢。要不是我累到崩溃，差点疯了，她会这么爽快答应吗？

最近，表姐也问我，为什么不到大学修读美术呢？而这正是听我说了我想到美术学院就读的同一个人。

我当让知道，要把眼光放开、放远。Keep an open mind. 我也有在考虑。但我还是认为，在艺术方面，还是艺术学院好。（对不起，除了‘好’之外，想不到其他字眼了。对，我就是词穷。）

大人还是这样呢。认为我们永远都是小孩子，认为我们都应该听他们的建议 - 我真的有在听，但是我也有自己的主见，好吗？

好久没用中文打文章了，感觉有点新鲜。虽然有时有点不顺，但也不错吧。

周四回到南洋致词，真的感到很荣幸。不管之前我就知道自己会回去，还是觉得很不可思议。

上台时真的好紧张，整个人都在发抖；真是太久没站在台上说话了。我看，大家也听得出我声音在抖吧！真丢脸。>< 但很高兴一些人都对我说演讲的不错哦。顺带一提，认为我说华语比较好的人占多数。哈哈！的确，连我自己都这么觉得，总觉得英语发音有些不标准，还请大家见谅。但说完后感觉真的好爽哦！

凌晨一点了。该睡了。明天早上练球。唉。累死了。

好了。晚安。

WOW.

2010-02-24T23:30:00.002+08:00

And to think I just talked about making decisions at our age is kinda early. http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1039650/1/.html

Well. Today was basically..horrible. :( I don't even feel like talking about it. I was so delirious I forgot my GP tutor's name. My goodness.

I'm extremely excited about tomorrow. :D Its our junior's big day! :D NYSL Invest 2010. :D Dang, am I excited. And yes, I'm getting excited about crafting a speech I'm going to deliver in approximately 12 hours. NICE. I obviously hope no one finds out.

Anyway. Off to do my speech. Wish me luck! And jiayou juniors! :D (Although like, zero person will see. Haha.)

Sick and tired. How apt.

2010-02-23T23:46:00.002+08:00

Anyway, to clarify, in case anyone thinks I'm bullshitting - who gets tired from staying at home the entire day? - I don't mean tired in that sense. In the, damn I really need to get some sleep, sense. But in the, why on earth does this kind of things keep happening, sense.

First things first, I'm giving a speech on Thursday and my script's not out yet. Freak me.

And I really hate falling sick at this point of time. I mean, falling sick after CNY is just..cliched. Yes, I'm convinced it has reached that stage where everyone falls sick after CNY. And no, I haven't been eating goodies. All right, maybe just a little.

But really, my post isn't about that, I just had to have an intro to lead me in. Like, an intro with on link. Oops.

I think everyone's planning for their future now. Not just my year, but like J1s too. I think its a JC thing. Which I'm totally fine with, if you though I was going to diss that. Cause everyone tells us we have to start planning for the future now, which I agree with. But what the heck, we're just 17, 18 year-olds. They're scaring us by saying that its gonna decide our lives. Sure, majority, but I don't think that's the only way to how we're gonna live - like, choose one, and you're stuck with it.

But anyway. That still wasn't the point I was trying to say. And actually, I've forgotten what I wanted to say in the first place, so just let me ramble, since its my blog.

People seem to be fighting so hard to build up their portfolio. Er, the academic and whatnot achievements kind. But turning into a portfolio-whore is just..gross. I'm not saying anyone I know is. And I hope no one thinks I'm that. Like, seriously. I know I've got to look at it objectively, since these people are just working for better chances in the future. AND, all of us are supposed to be doing that. But not everyone has the, how shall I put it, calibre. Its like, how not everyone can get into Harvard or Oxford or some well-known university that yours truly here does not bother finding out (yes, that's how uninformed I am). And how not everyone can be in er.. Hwa Chong? I guess that's valid too.

And how not everyone can be..ah, a leader. And nope, I'm not trying to praise myself because I'm in HC and I'm, in technical terms, a leader. Like I said, technically, because essentially, I don't view myself as being a good leader. And when I think someone is a leader, it has a positive connotation, so I don't believe in a thing called a bad leader - if anyone's not good enough, that person shouldn't be called a leader. I'm being very critical in that sense, but I TRY (please note the word try) to see the good in everyone. Or at least a little bit of that goodness.

Honestly, I think the medicine is making me delirious. Half the time of this post, make that three quarter, I don't even know what I'm talking.

I shall just have random bursts of information about myself. Haha.

I think I'm a .. easily swayed person. If you make some sense to me I'll believe you. Maybe I'm just lazy to think of my own views. I think of myself as someone without a mind of her own. I salute people who do, and accept others who don't agree with them. I find it interesting how people have their own definition of everything. Its like, they've classified almost everything and match them to how they feel. I don't think anyone understood that. But yes. I think people are interesting, no matter how boring they may be.

And in any case, let me just whine for a while and express my self-hate. Haha. I think of myself as a follower. I don't care what other people think about this, but I am not a good leader (which I am contradicting myself, cause I just said that there's no such phrase in my dictionary as bad leader.) But its just cause, like I also said, technically, I am a leader, of my team, of my class, of my faculty. And that's why I previously said I hope no one takes me for a portfolio-whore. That's beside the point though. The point is I'm not doing what I should be doing well.

I'm a selfish person. I put my best in things I want to do. I think Wai Yee has told me this before, which I agree, that I will do things that I like, for things I don't, I still will, but I will screw it up and blame myself for it after that. I think its a vicious cycle.

I'm in a very delirious state right now. I have no idea why, but yes. Its 1am right now. The entire world population (okay no, just a few friends) told me to sleep early today. I'm sorry, but that's not exactly possible. Haha. I know it totally is, but I just refuse to let myself sleep so early. Lol. I'm just doing nothing right now. Actually I am. I'm thinking of a damn postbox design. Haha. For STAMP02. The competition sounds quite fun actually. But I'm in a bad state to think of ideas now. Like how I shouldn't be blogging right now.

To continue on the previous topic, after the short diversion. Mm. I'm not afraid to say, I crave recognition. Haha, that's dumb, who doesn't? But that happens to be the source of my motivation. Very pragmatic, huh.

Come to think of it. Maybe I'm a little more pragmatic than I like to think of myself as.

Its 4am. Haha. What on earth am I doing here. In 1 hour and 15 minutes later, I've got to wake up and go to school. Roar.

Damn me.

What the heck.

2010-02-23T22:30:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm gonna cough my lungs out. Roar.

Wanted to do work today, since I actually have the time to. But apparently felt too groggy. Damn. Xin Yi was just saying yesterday that we have four weeks to blocks. Damn it. I'm extremely screwed, not just for Math.

Hate falling ill. Freak.

Boo.

2010-02-21T23:07:00.002+08:00

Chingay was really fun. :D And I think Valerie and Jie Min worked really hard for this! GOOD JOB! :D

This was the first time I watched Chingay live. And I'm kinda embarrassed to say that I almost teared. I know, its so *roll eyes*. But it was really cool to see so many people. Performing, watching, cheering. It was just, overwhelming. And the fireworks were pretty! Makes me wanna go watch NDP. Haha.

Anyway. I'm quite screwed for this week. I haven't done any work for Econs and Chem tomorrow. And for Chem, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing. Can I just sit in a corner and self-study ksp. I have zero idea what the entire chapter is about. -.- At least tomorrow's a slack day. I don't even feel like swimming. Damn.

Whatever happened to my resolution of studying hard? I wonder.

Did the Doodle for Google thing. Hui Kin! You better submit with me. Haha. If not so embarrassing.

Okay. I shall go do Econs article review. Although I will still do everything in point form. Hurhur.

WTF.

2010-02-17T22:48:00.002+08:00

Seriously. I think my mum is the most ludicrous person on earth. Long story, but I'm so fed up that I shall post and you shall tell me how ludicrous it is. So apparently I came back and she whined to me that she never strike lottery. Er, on a number that my father picked out on his birthday. Which, btw, was on 2nd Feb, which was half a month ago. So, when she asked me, I'm like, what the hell, like real I can remember.

And my cousin called me to tell me about how she blamed her for causing her not to win. Cause she came in the early morning to fetch her. I don't know what's her stupid warped logic. Then she blames my dad for not buying his own number.

So in conclusion, my mum didn't get her second prize which was..$12k. Which I admit is a whole lot of money which I would love to have won (wah lao then I don't even need to spend my own angpao money yea). But honestly, what's not yours is not yours. Its just fated to be this way. So I can't get why she's so upset about it until she doesn't want to pick up my cousin's call.

Okay but seriously, this is MY mum we're talking about here. To tell you the truth, it isn't as surprising as it seems.

Apparently, we're both having emo days today. Maybe its the end of CNY. Haha.

And I've got work to complete by tomorrow while I'm still leisurely blogging here. But I'm honestly quite zzz-ed by my mum.

Enough about that. I've got to go do work. -.-

-.-

2010-02-16T03:14:00.002+08:00

OMGWTFBBQ.

From CNA: "For example, one piece of bak kwa has the same calories as one bowl of white rice; and say for example, if we eat three pieces of pineapple tarts, you maybe have to jog for maybe half an hour to burn the calories."

What the. I've eaten, what, 10 pineapple tarts at least. Time to stop eating. My goodness.

Damn you nutritionists. Haha.

And er, throughout these 4 days of break, I've managed to learn dance for Mirotic. Haha. From Youtube. I've replayed the video probably 200 times. Obviously not very cleaned up, in the midst of doing so. Everything they look cool doing, I look like some retard. Roar.

Which reminds me to ask whether I can use the money for lessons. :D Who wants to join me!

Okay I'm tired. Its 3am in the morning. Zz.

CNY

2010-02-16T01:25:00.002+08:00

Realised I haven't been blogging for mm 10 days. Seeing as my last post was on 6 Feb.

Anyway.

Just to boast that I'm rich after angpao spammage. Hurhur. Headphones, speakers, here I come! :D

I'm rather tired. Haha. As usual.

Life now...

Miracles do happen.

Untitled.

Just when I thought I'm fine, I realise I'll never be.

CNY!

New year! :D

Work.

Alive.

Things to do.

Overnight.

Hypocrite.

Jealous.

Stuff.

Murderous.

我要的。

Peace.

Dysfunctional.

Emo.

Love.

Bitch.

Aches.

Mundane.

Graduation. (:

Fangirl.

JYJ Part 2!

JYJ!

Zzz.

101010

Spinning.

Caffeine overload.

Nua.

Respect?

Spazz.

Happy.

Week.

Fangirl.

Angst, part 2.

为了谁。

Morning.

Angst.

Hmm.

SUNGMIN is LOVE

LOVE 張芸京!

Optimism isn't my forte.

Chaos.

Tickets. :S

Bioethics.

C.N.Blue! :D

Spam.

Sucks.

Inception.

Shagged.

Lazy.

双子。

Gosh.

Oh my.

Virtual.

Paranoid.

人。

LOVE!

士为知己者死 心慕红颜而生

Over.

Post Birthday Post.

An end, a start.

This is it.

NU ABO. :)

Fangirling.

What if.

Angry.

Update.

Feel.

TGIF..soon.

Making Love Out of Nothing At All.

Eden.

成长必经的过程。

Heart.

Stereotype Party! :D

Netball.

Ownage.

Meant.

士为知己者死心慕红颜而生